The Fuhrer of St. Patrick

Myth:  St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, was born in c. 387 A.D. and died approximately eighty years later on March 17^th – the date on which his sainthood, including all things Irish, is celebrated.  Originally of Romano-British heritage, Irish raiders kidnapped him when he was 16, only to return in his later years to preach the goodness of the Catholic faith to the Irish population.  These acts of forgiveness and proselytizing have earned St. Patrick the status of a legend – the beloved saint of all who consider themselves Irish.

Fact:  I am well aware that what I am about to say goes against both Catholic doctrine and accepted historical fact, but it must be said:  St. Patrick was a fascist, racist and a manipulative leader.  In short, he was the precursor to such tyrants as Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini.  In fact, Hitler, who was privy to the true personality of St. Patrick, cited him as a main influence on Nazi politics and culture.  Though not of Irish stock, Patrick believed his Irish captors had the attributes of what he described as a “master race.”  To cite an ancient parchment, Patrick wrote the following:  “They are capable of running at high speeds, jumping twice the height of a horse, and all the while, they are belligerently drunk – the perfect trinity of a race capable of conquering the world.  They often mislead their foes by appearing timid and chaste, what with their freckles and overall ginger appearance.  A great asset, indeed.”  Patrick soon organized a strong army of Irish under the newly designed Green Clover banner – an ancient Nazi swastika of sorts.  The adoption of green as the holy and superior color was a means of identifying their lesser foes.  The present day act of pinching someone who is not wearing green on March 17^th is directly related to the ancient act of “pinching” an enemy who didn’t sport the Clover Green – though the ancient Irish term “pinching” can be roughly translated as slaying or cleaving.  St. Patrick had planned to storm the gates of Rome around 400 A.D., but a piece of the trinity was ironically a tragic flaw that led to the Irish’s, and St. Patrick’s, undoing.  If not engaged in battle on a regular basis, the Green Clovers would become restless and the once beneficial trait of drunken belligerency led the Irish to slay one another.  St. Patrick’s plan of domination had been undone by his own shortsightedness.  He was murdered by one of his own troops at the end of a broken bottle of Guinness.  So, before you don green for this supposedly joyous holiday, take a second to think, and possibly, just possibly, stand up in the face of fascism by taking a pinch or two.  You will have served history well.