Washington's Wood

Myth:  George Washington, America’s first president of the United States and celebrated war hero, is one of the most glorified men in American History – not to mention other parts of the world as well.  An imposing figure at over six feet in height and stoic in demeanor, Washington was the epitome of American grit and drive, wooden teeth and all.  A staunch advocate of an America with no political parties, he underscored the importance of unity and the upholding of the American Constitution.

Fact:  Since only a few men knew of George Washington’s true character, the following may be shocking:  George Washington, the archetype of Americanism, was not a man at all.  He was nothing but a fine cut of mahogany, crafted into the form we most fondly know him as.  He was an American “Pinocchio.”  The wooden teeth – a trivial, but fun fact of American History – was just the tip of the iceberg.  The fledgling new nation needed a flawless leader to gain the respect of other international superpowers, such as Great Britain and France.  Prior to the American Revolution, John Adams – a lawyer and amateur carpenter – devised a plan in which the leading figure of the United States would be a puppet of the great minds behind it.  Since late eighteenth century America was defined by a somewhat staid and puritanical culture, the very few movements of “George Washington” would seem simply normal.  Most men assumed he was non-partisan simply because he didn’t say anything.  Ironically, Martha Washington – unaware of Washington’s true nature – often remarked on his “Frenchman-like ability in the bed chambers.”  “He was always, and I mean always, ready for lovemaking,” Martha remarked in her memoirs.*  As his caretaker, John Adams, would change his facial expression on a weekly basis, depending on the trends of the time.  Sadly, in 1799, “George Washington” was struck by lightning near his home in Virginia, leaving a large fracture down the mid-section of his wooden body.  John Adams knew this was the end of America’s glorious, inanimate hero.  Sobbing while he drew closed eyes on Washington’s face, Adams laid his creation, and hero, to rest.

*The term “woody” to describe an erection is a direct reference to George Washington’s makeup