The Circumnavigation of Cleveland

Myth:  Magellan – Ferdinand Magellan – a name that resonates so loudly in pages of history.  One of the most celebrated and esteemed explorers of his era; he was the first man to cross from the Atlantic Ocean to the Pacific Ocean, as well as the first to successfully navigate the entirety of the Pacific.  More specifically, the Portuguese Magellan was the master of the ships that circumnavigated the vast seas of this Earth – sadly he was not alive to see this tremendous feat accomplished.  While stopping in the Philippines to restock necessary supplies as well as to converse with friendly locals, including the king of Cebu, he attempted to Christianize a group of unwilling, warring Filipinos, ultimately leading to his death at their hands.  Of the 237 crewmen who departed from Seville in 1519, only 18 returned to Seville in 1522.

Fact:  As facts concerning Columbus’s own navigation and historical misinterpretations come to light, it seems inevitable that Magellan’s own points of landing, routes and tactics be disputed.  To put it bluntly, Magellan was not even close to the first successful circumnavigation of our globe.  Due to ineffective navigation and Magellan’s own slothfulness, the crew that set out from Seville quickly turned northward on the Atlantic ending up at the mouth of the St. Lawrence river in present day Quebec.  One of the German crewmen – true to his German nature and taking notes on everyday occurrences, while drawing sketches of more aerodynamic and efficient clipper ships – recorded one of Magellan’s deceitful conversations:  “Christy [referring to Christopher Columbus in a disparaging manner] did the same damn thing.  I heard he spent the majority of his exploration in Nice, France drinking Chardonnay.  Look at him now.  We’ve come this far – we deserve the rest.  And frankly, I’m sick of having sex with men.  The French always look into my eyes during copulation; it’s getting to me.  We wait a few years and come back heroes.”  Magellan had falsely named the Pacific Ocean (peaceful sea) as a means to feign further navigation and because the only source he had was the peaceful Lake Erie on which he was know anchored.  Lying about the serene, tropical locales he was visiting, he looked upon a landmass that would later become Cleveland and wrote:  “Such beauty lies before my eyes.  Abundant in resources and filled with gregarious natives, I can only assume that this small village will one day be one of the most important cities in centuries to come.”  Bored of life on the ship, Magellan decided to dock in ancient Cleveland and communicate with the locals.  Things started off amicably between the European explorers and the native steelworkers, until Magellan made a colossal faux pas:  he began talking of his native sport of soccer.  This sent the barbarous steelworkers into a rage. And so in hopes of allaying the situation, Magellan quickly changed subjects and began discussing the “the awful Cavalier-like attitude of some of his shipmates; some of whom he had to trade away for men who were less Cavalier.”  “And these Indians that abound in this area, what a bunch of inept players in this world.”  Magellan was immediately slain along with majority of his crew.  His shipmates quickly boarded ship and headed back to Spain with the falsified story of the Battle of Mactan in the Philippines.  He had died valiantly, according to his faithful crew.  Ironically, Magellan had died by inadvertent insult at the Battle of Cleveland