Bro Trip: 1804

Myth:  The Lewis and Clark Expedition, commissioned by President Thomas Jefferson and led by Meriwether Lewis and William Clark, was an epic journey to the Pacific Northwest in order to more firmly secure the United States’ discovery rights of the area.  Furthermore, Jefferson wished to find a water-navigable route in the newly garnered Louisiana Purchase for the purposes of commerce.  By intricately mapping the area covered and noting the ample resources of the West, Lewis and Clark were major players in what would later be described as Manifest Destiny – the bold endeavor to reign over the present-day lower forty-eight states of America.

Fact:  Meriwether Lewis had just been dumped by his girlfriend of seven years, and to add insult to injury, his girlfriend had parted by saying in a mocking tone, “And I’ve been cheating on you with a real man, with a real name – Meriwether.”  His roommate of ten years, William Clark, noticed a drastic change in his friend’s behavior after the breakup.  Though it was a natural response to be depressed, Clark became alarmed when he found Lewis sobbing in the shower, attempting to carve out his Old English tattoo of his birth name that ran vertically down the back of his arm.  Clark knew just what to do:  Bro Trip!  Short on cash, Clark went to see his old William & Mary College pal and lacrosse teammate, Thomas Jefferson, for a “government advance” on Clark’s proposed trip.  Jefferson completely understood, since he himself had had lady troubles since his sophomore year at William & Mary when a lacrosse party went awry and a Miss Sally Hemmings, the entertainer for that evening, entered his life.  Clark wanted Lewis to see what else was out there:  “There’s more than just white girls out there, Lewis.  White girls looking for Episcopal men with good social standing and law degrees, doing some purveying on the side.  I want you to see red, my friend.”  With government money, the two explorers “bro’d” it up for two years:  Rafting, surveying the land, swapping spit with the local tribeswomen and playing the most popular game of that era – Fart on a Bear and Get Away Before It Kills You.  Halfway into the trip, Lewis met the girl of his dreams.  Sacagawea.  Lewis didn’t care what others thought about his forbidden relationship, and he subsequently planted himself in the Pacific Northwest, opening a Gluten-Free coffee shop entitled Sack-a-good-beans-for-ya.  An old-fashioned bro-trip had mended a broken heart and secured the US’s rights on the frontier of the new nation.