Everything's Bigger in Texas

Myth:  Remember the Alamo.  A statement ingrained in the American psyche, highlighting the courageous efforts of a few hundred Texans repelling the attacks of several thousand Mexicans at the famed Alamo mission building until their subsequent slaughter on March 6, 1836.  Two weeks had passed before the Mexican troops were able to execute their prey.  It was a modern-day Thermopylae.  Such American legends as Davy Crockett and James Bowie were present that fateful day, dying for the expansion of their beloved United States and the new Republic of Texas.  Those Texans exemplified the American spirit and tenacity that would vault the fledgling nation into the status of “Superpower” a century later.

Fact:  The Alamo was not a Christian mission building as most believe it to be – it was in fact the first established On the Border – an extremely mediocre Tex-Mex chain that now sits near movie theaters nationwide.  James Bowie – inventor of the Bowie knife and ancestor of the British sensation David Bowie – came up with idea while eating squirrel meat near the Alamo premises.  With David Bowie-like flair, James said the following:  “I can’t eat this shit anymore.  Maybe Crockett can because he’s a bona fide hick.  What’s with the coonskin hat anyway – he looks like a gay Canadian lumberjack.  Doesn’t matter.  I want some real food.  Maybe we could utilize some of the ingredients of our enemies, but take all of the nasty out if it.  You know what I mean?  Meat and cheese without all that gas-inducing rubbish they put on it.  I know it sounds bland, but people will pay for this.”  Within a few weeks, about a hundred lower-class Texans came to garrison the Alamo in exchange for two Margarita and Nacho Nights a week.  Bowie, though a Kentuckian by birth, had essentially created the Texan ideal within a matter of weeks:  All portions were larger than most restaurants; Mexican food was bastardized into it’s present-day white, Tex-Mex form; and the mentality that they had created something unique within their United States identity led all Texans to believe they were a special breed.  After hearing of this gastronomic blasphemy, President General Antonio López de Santa Anna – leader of the Mexican forces – initiated an attack on the newly founded establishment.  “Let no man who has defiled our national cookery be taken alive.  Kill them all,” he had barked.  Once the garrison/white-trash restaurant had been infiltrated, it is said that the General came upon Bowie while he was using the toilet and said with a laugh:  “Everything’s bigger in Texas my ass.”  Bowie was swiftly cut down.