Dead Presidents

Myth:  The United States of America has seen forty-four presidents enter and leave office, whether by their own accord, term limits, illness or assassination.  Since 1789, when George Washington was sworn in, this young nation has seen a vast array of personalities and politics.  One of the most highly esteemed positions in the modern world, the US presidency has at times earned the title of “leader of the free world.”  Through an intricate system of succession, the US presidency was and is always intact, from the assassination of Abraham Lincoln to the resignation of Richard M. Nixon.  Some valiant soul will always take the helm of one of the most stressful, and yet revered, jobs in the Western World.

Fact:  There have in fact been fewer than forty-four presidents of the United States, and one must look no further then one’s own mind.  Can you list all of the Presidents of the United States?  No, you can’t.  There are indeed forty-four names occupying our history textbooks, but about half of the names are false – persons invented to prove to the rest of the world that we, the USA, were always a legitimate international power.  There were periods between magnificent and chaotic eras in US History that were just plain boring, and no man wanted to occupy the position during one of these, as I like to call, Prozac Periods.  How would one stack themselves up against Washington or Lincoln by saying, “I presided over the period of time when the Ferris Wheel was invented and jobs were stable.  No. No.  There were no wars.  I said the Ferris Wheel.  Isn’t that cool.  Right?”  There are also glaring lies concocted by politicians to increase the excitement of a specific era.  For example, after the presidency of Van Buren (yes, the Little Magician himself) the US hit its first Prozac Period and had to invent minor troubles that weren’t actually happening in order to boost the relevance of the young nation.  The Mexican-American War, which supposedly took place from 1846 to1848 under the supervision of President James K. Polk (fake president), was concocted merely to prove to the British and French Empires that they were involved in the world and not stagnating.  It is unbelievable that no other historian besides myself has noticed the obviously fabricated Mexican General names, a clear indicator of a false war.  For instance, the leader of the Mexican forces was General Brown Guy Taco Bell Chihuahua.  The American politicians became lazy during these lazy times, unable to adequately cover their tracks.  Another Prozac Period occurred after the assassination of Lincoln and the end of the Civil War.  Ulysses S. Grant, leader of the Union forces during the war, was purportedly the 18^th President of the US.  In actuality, Grant had died several years before he had “taken office” and a puppet scheme a la Weekend at Bernie’s ensued.  Three midgets were always hidden in the then “obese” Grant in order to move his arms, legs and mouth.  The last Prozac Period ended with the true election of FDR, after the false presidencies of Calvin Coolidge and Herbert Hoover (the inventor of these names was FDR himself, a man who fancied alliteration).  So, the next time you can’t remember Rutherford B. Hayes or Franklin Pierce, do not worry, for they were never real.