Slut for Socialism

 

Myth:  The Russian Revolution, the comprehensive term for a period of great tumult and change in Russia, namely in 1917, eventually led to a Soviet Russia and the toppling of the centuries-old rule of the Tsars.  The massive slaughter of Russians during World War I, an unruly peasant class, a yearning for democratic involvement in government and a cataclysmic industrial boom all foreshadowed a great revolution for the Russian people.  Led by the charismatic Vladimir Lenin, the Bolsheviks (or socialist/communist party), eventually held sway after a bloody civil war between the conservative Nicholas II and the Tsarists, and later the Provisional Government, ended in 1922.  A communist Russia was born – the Soviet Union – which would last for nearly 80 years.

Fact:  The idea of an oppressed Russian populace eager for change under the thumb of the Nicholas II is an utter fallacy.  The populace was, to put it shortly, fairly wealthy.  Suburbs were sprouting up all around metropolises like Moscow and St. Petersburg.  Whole Foods were emerging with the help of local farming from the “peasant class” – a class that was, in fact, peasant by name only.  They were reaping large profits from their Whole Foods sales – mostly from Certified Organic Borscht, or COB – while simultaneously maintaining their peasant Russian identity.  As late as 1910, Lenin was living in a 4 bedroom, 3 ½ bath McMansion in the outskirts of St. Petersburg, a little subdivision called White Willow Cossack Village.  His children even attended a private Montessori school.  Lenin, however, felt what most of Russia was feeling during this time of great prosperity under the Tsars:  A loss of one’s Russianness.  What did it mean to be Russian?  Well, for Lenin, it meant living in dark, squalid conditions, drinking as much vodka as humanly possible, wearing at least two gold chains at all times, and most of all, being as creepy and guttural to outsiders as possible.  So, in this sense, the spark of the Russian Revolution was not economic or political, but rather a deep-seated desire to fulfill past stereotypes.  Lenin made his first large step toward social change when he looked in the mirror and saw a pathetic Russian complete with perm, sideburns and puka shell necklace.  He defiantly shaved his head, obliterated his sideburns and sculpted a devilish mustache/goatee combo – the image of Lenin we all know.  At an early Bolshevik meeting, Leon Trotsky remembered Lenin well because of his tenacious support of The Cause.  “I had come to the meeting with my favorite drink in hand, a sparkling orange Pellegrino, knowing that it would be a lengthy affair.  Only steps in the room and Lenin swats my Pellegrino to the ground and starts barking, ‘If you want to be carefree, whistling Italian, so be it, but you will never be welcome here.’  From that moment on, I knew we had a chance, and more importantly, I started griping about Russia’s brown water and took to the vodka bottle.  I was now a true brooding Russian.”  Lenin attracted the majority of Russia with this call to stereotyping.  No more Whole Foods.  There would now only be one brand of soda – and it would most definitely suck.  Only one brand of car, one brand of pickles, one brand of shampoo, and yes, they would all suck.  Lenin had utilized Marx and socialism as a way to change the social and cultural tastes of Russia, not the government and economy.  The economy and government would just follow suit.  And that suit would be Gloomy Grey, the style and color of suit Lenin started buying at Backwards RMart (The Soviet equivalent of TJ Maxx).