Quaker Oats Onslaught

Myth:  Independence Day.  The 4^th of July.  The most honored, beloved and celebrated day in the 235-year history of the United States of America.  On that day in 1776, colonists representing their respective states became Americans as they signed the Declaration of Independence, betraying their former mother, the great British Empire.  After years of taxation without representation in British Parliament, unjust practices by British officials, perpetual exploitation and constant rejection of self-government, the Americans took the plunge into the unknown.  However, there was definitely one certainty – war.  After seven years of fighting, the Americans won their freedom in 1783.  Greatly influenced by the French and Scottish Enlightenments, the newly formed United States of America was about to execute one of the greatest political experiments in modern history.

Fact:  Historians will invariably point to various instances that sparked the American Revolution, namely taxation and the stifled voices of colonists in Parliament.  These circumstances definitely vexed the American colonists, but not to the point of treason.  No, there was a much more insidious factor flowing through the political canals – factors coming from inside the colonies.  Those supposed pacifists, those compassionate people of Pennsylvania, those Quakers, were in actuality a nefarious gang of conniving cutthroats.  The Society of Friends darkly referred to themselves as The Society of Fiends.  The Stamp Act.  The Tea Tax.  These were minor difficulties compared to the devastating Oatmeal Tax of 1771.  And if it’s one thing the Quakers profit from and hoard more of than anything else, it’s oatmeal.  Gold was a worthless commodity in this day, but it were those delicious Quaker Oats that went for highest sterling.  The Quakers knew that this high-fiber breakfast, packed with essential vitamins and minerals, was a cheap and brainpower-strengthening alternative to the gruel that most colonists and Britons ate for breakfast.  As the old motto went:  Gruel makes one Gruesome, but Oatmeal makes one Outstanding (Thomas Jefferson had this classic motivational poster hanging in his dorm room at William & Mary). The problem was that the Quakers had a monopoly on the Oatmeal trade, so British Parliament spurned them by implementing the Oatmeal Tax.  After 1771, the Quakers could see their fortunes waning.  No money for their silent orgy meetings.  No money for the annual Quaker dwarf throw.  No more Quaker Oats Queefing Contest (yes, they were a truly sick people).  They did dip into their own supply, so their wit and wile went untarnished, while the rest of the colonists became dumber after resorting back to gruel.  This is the time it is said that Benjamin Franklin flew a kite and key during a thunderstorm.  He wasn’t attempting to detect electricity, but rather had been eating gruel for breakfast, and therefore was simply being an idiot.  The Quakers formed the Continental Congress where they influenced their dumbed-down counterparts to believe that no representation and a few taxes were worth the price of treason.  By signing the Declaration of Independence, the Quakers were again free to peddle their golden oats without penalty.  They sat back as their American brethren shed blood for God and country.  Take away a Quaker’s oatmeal and he will stab you in the kidney.