"Cockblock" Jackson

Myth:  Thomas Jonathan Jackson, notably known as “Stonewall” Jackson, was and still is regarded by many as the second most glorified commander of the Lost Cause of the American Civil War – just behind the illustrious Robert E. Lee.  The Confederate General Jackson received the nickname “Stonewall” after the First Battle of Bull Run, where is military prowess allowed his troops to firmly stand their ground like a stonewall.  Beloved by his troops, and most of the Confederacy for that matter, Jackson was accidentally shot in May of 1863 at the Battle of Chancellorsville by Confederate soldiers.  He died some eight days later due to complications after amputation.  Some historians even argue that the loss of Jackson was one of the main factors for the downfall of the Confederacy following the turning points of Gettysburg and Vicksburg.

Fact:  I return to my expertise of the American Civil War to clear up some blatant fallacies concerning General Jackson.  The origins of his nickname were not as noble as one may think; on the contrary, Jackson garnered the nickname due to his obliviousness in all things romantic.  It was a hurtful nickname, though he was never aware of it.  Service in this most gruesome of wars left men little or no time with the fairer sex, but when the instance arose, men on both sides were fully willing to take advantage of the opportunity.  Just before the First Battle of Bull Run, a bevy of prostitutes arrived at the Confederate camp to increase morale and relieve anxiety.  A private Donald Ashley Sycamore provided the following account:  “About twenty of us were ready to bed down for the evening with the ladies of liberty who had come upon us, when all of a sudden our beloved General burst onto the scene clutching a rusty fiddle and a bag of marshmallows.  Afraid of being scourged, we quietly escorted the women away from the campfire, as we then had to listen to Jackson try and play Stairway to Heaven for seven hours straight – though he never quite got the chords right. We had been mightily stonewalled.”  It must be stressed that the term “stonewall” could be most aptly translated to modern English as meaning to “turn away,” or more crudely, “to cockblock.”  Jackson was a man who believed deeply in the power of male bonding before battle.  He “stonewalled” his troops on several other occasions, the most famous of which was the notorious macaroni and paper plate incident – a craft night before entering the horrors of war.  Just before the battle of Chancellorsville, several of his troops plotted Jackson’s assassination.  They believed he was costing them this war, what with his boy-scout mentality and all.  He could not be allowed to stonewall anymore.  So, the accident was no accident at all.  It was the devious plan of a few lusty Confederates angry with their prudish commander.  This begs a crucial question:  Had Jackson survived, might have the Confederacy won with the mentality of s’mores and male bonding?  The Confederacy was certainly on the right track before Jackson’s men were allowed to “stone” without being “walled” once again.