The Spanish Armada, Swim Caps and Carbo-Loading

Myth:  The Spanish Armada of 1588 – one of the most celebrated battles of the Elizabethan Age – was a trying experience for the English, who feared an invasion by their Catholic counterparts under the rule of Philip II.  A terror-inducing Spanish fleet of some 151 warships was to overthrow the Protestant Queen Elizabeth, and ultimately, alter the trajectory of English history.  After defeating the Spanish at Gravelines, the English were not quite safe as the Spanish Armada was undeterred and planned a massive attack by sailing past Ireland and attacking from the north.  England was not to be taken, as a mighty storm killed about 20,000 Spanish sailors and wrecked a third of the entire fleet.  England may have fallen had it not be for the mysterious “Protestant Wind,” as the saving storm was later called.

Fact:  Historians, especially military historians, tend to pay too much attention to the size and strength of fleets or armies when interpreting reasons for success or failure.  There is one glaring omission with this approach:  attention to the actual fitness level of said fleet or army.  The Spanish may have had a massive armada, but many of the sailors had grown fat and lazy from copious amounts of paella.  Sangria was another killer.  Where does all that sugar go?  That’s right, the thighs.  The English on the other hand were in magnificent shape due to two obvious reasons.  First, the English’s notoriously bad food allowed for a low-caloric, ab-shredding diet.  An English sailor could only eat so many blood sausages and pickled goat ears, and the result was triceps that could crack a walnut.  Secondly, and more importantly, the English were obsessed with triathlons.  About a decade before, the triathlon craze took hold after Francis Drake – leader of the English defenses against the Spanish Armada –successfully swam the English Channel.  The trend has only swelled as time has elapsed.  Take a look at the results of any triathlon in your area and you will inevitably see about three or four British in the top ten.  A few years before 1588, one would see English sailors running, swimming or cycling in “why am I cocky simply because I’m a triathlete” packs.  A precursor to the infamously douchy waistband that holds six water bottles was the leather belt that held six goatskin canteens.  The Spanish fleet seemed to dwarf their English foes because that was exactly the case – the English were finishing their 12-kilometer run before entering the waters near the Spanish, with swim caps in hand.  And that mighty storm, that legendary “Protestant Wind,” was in actuality a massive maelstrom created by 8,000 English sailors/triathletes swimming around their mortal enemy.  The Armada was crushed, but the feelings of the 8,000 sailors were crushed even further when they emerged from the water to see no family or friends to greet the victorious athletes.  There were many empty promises that day because not even their own mothers wanted to watch them compete in a triathlon – they would have rather seen a naval battle that truly dazzles the senses.