College Buddhism

Myth:  Siddhartha Gautama, also known as Gautama Buddha, is considered the founder of Buddhism and regarded as the supreme Buddha in most Buddhist sects.  Since historical records of antiquity can be sketchy at best, it is believed that Buddha lived and died somewhere between the 6^th and 4^th centuries BC.  A proponent of the idea of Enlightenment and a life of moderation, Buddha promulgated the basic tenets of modern Buddhism – namely the belief the suffering is ingrained in all peoples’ lives, but one can surpass suffering by way of avoiding a want for identity and sensuality.  Many forms of Buddhism exist today, but most can be labeled as a melting pot of religion and philosophy, all of which promote ideas of devotion, peacefulness, and the rejection of earthly cravings.

Fact:  Siddhartha Gautama, or Buddha, was in fact one of the most materialistic and shallow false prophets of his day.  Born in Nepal to an upper-middle class family living in the suburbs of Kathmandu, he received a private education at an elite boarding school located in nearby Tibet – The Tibetan Country Day School.  As early as boarding school, Buddha’s hypocritical and pedantic nature could be viewed on a day-to-day basis.  One fellow student remarked about an incident during their senior year:  “I was carrying numerous books to class and had to rid myself of a Luna Bar wrapper, so like any sane person I threw the wrapper in a nearby trash can.  All of a sudden I noticed the roar of a Range Rover engine as Buddha skidded to a stop in front of me.  He began screaming at me about the fact that a local recycling bin was located some 45 miles from where I was standing and grilled me as to why I hadn’t walked there to dispose of my Luna Bar wrapper.  I tried to point out the fact that he was driving a Range Rover, but Buddha quickly changed subjects and made a remark about my “sweatshop” made Target shirt I was wearing.  He then promptly told me to ‘Fuck off,’ flicked a burning joint into my face and drove off.  I was simply in awe.”  Buddha graduated with a mere 1.5 GPA, but because of his father’s connections, was able to receive admission to the elite Bombay Liberal Arts University.  He entered as a sociology major, but he often switched majors during those four years until he finally resettled on sociology just before graduation.  Archaeologists have found an old clay tablet that is believed to have belonged to Buddha during his undergraduate tenure.  It is most likely a tally board of sorts that lists the amount of women he slept with while at the University.  Moreover, to promote his name around campus, he facetiously started a religious club called Buddhism – the club was believed to be a front for a large-scale marijuana distribution service for the university.  Since some of the Crafts Club members had slept with Buddha, he demanded that they make “prayer flags” for his dorm room, so that anyone looking to score some weed could find his place of residence simply by following the colorful “prayer flags.”  Buddha ultimately left Bombay with a 0.95 GPA and a major in sociology (his thesis focused on the suffering of the underprivileged in Bombay caused by SUV exhaust).  He never formally applied for a job, but instead lived off the trust fund his father had left him.  A few confused students at Bombay who were obsessed with Buddha’s wealth and supposed “coolness” decided to alter the biography of their idol so that many more might follow the righteous teachings – or rants in this case – of this hated and loved university icon.  There are roughly 350 million Buddhists today, and unbeknownst to them, they are following the teachings of a self-involved, self-righteous sociopath.  Many, especially in America, still emulate the sacred Range Rover Rant on a daily basis.