The Napoleon Complex

Myth:  Napoleon Bonaparte, considered by many to be one of the most brilliant military tacticians of all time, managed to conquer most of mainland Europe at the turn of the 19^th century.  Taking advantage of the upheaval caused by the French Revolution, Bonaparte executed a coup d’etat in 1799, becoming France’s First Consul.  In 1804 Napoleon was named Emperor by the French Senate. Bonaparte and the French Empire took on various armies, notably the greatly respected British military, in their quest to conquer all of Europe.  Bonaparte’s tactics are still studied at numerous military institutions across the globe.

Fact:  Though considered a little shorter than average height for that period of time (at 5’7”), Napoleon’s image as an extremely short man does have credibility.  Due to historical miscalculations, researchers have failed to notice that Napoleon was actually four feet tall.  It is his height, at a mere four feet, that led to Napoleon’s unparalleled success – not his tactical prowess.  Napoleon was a stubborn man and originally rode a large horse into pitched battle, but after much discussion with his officers, he decided to start riding his faithful Shetland Pony, “Pickles,” for two reasons:  1) Napoleon looked like a Ken Doll riding Secretariat, which was just plain creepy, and 2) Riding “Pickles” allowed him to exploit the biggest flaw of standing militaries of the time.  For centuries, infantry stood in long lines on battlefields, aiming their rifles directly in front of them.  It never occurred to any military commander that a soldier might aim at a different angle rather than parallel to the ground.  After deciding to ride Pickles in 1805, the entire French Army simply provided cover fire as Napoleon rode under the enemies’ fire and thrashed at the shins of his opponents with his trusty “saber.”  It should be noted that Napoleon’s saber was actually made from plastic since he was unable to carry a true saber.  In order to boost his ego, Napoleon’s officers often laced his saber with ketchup before battle, thus tricking Bonaparte into thinking he was severing legs.  A page from Lord Cherrywick’s diary (Cherrywick was a commander of a division in the British infantry) underlines how Napoleon was able to defeat his enemies with a plastic sword:  “Like a demon child, Napoleon would thrash repeatedly at my men’s shins, sometimes leaving some nasty scabs.  It stung.  We were surely in a quagmire, as none of my men could fire downward.  After some time I would retire my division, as I could not bare the screams of agony – abrasions were ubiquitous.  War is hell.  And apparently in the form of a circus midget.”  In 1811, an unknown British private was somehow able to aim his rifle at a downward angle while Napoleon charged forward.  Thinking it to be witchcraft, his superior killed him instantly, allowing his army to return to proper battle formation.  Seemingly unstoppable, Napoleon was finally captured at Waterloo due to an ingenious trap.  A Reese’s Pieces croissant was placed outside the French camp, and inevitably, Bonaparte came out atop Pickles.  While sniffing his favorite treat, Napoleon was quickly trapped under a box attached to a string held by several British soldiers.  Bonaparte spent the rest of his life in exile, mourning the death of Pickles.  Just as dogs are unable to digest chocolate, so are Shetland ponies – even if it is the Shetland pony of the French Emperor, Napoleon Bonaparte.