Beads, Boobies and the Battle of New Orleans

Myth:  The Battle of New Orleans, the final major battle of the War of 1812, took place on January 8, 1815.  Though a peace treaty had already been accepted, news of this would not reach New Orleans until February, nearly a month after the battle occurred – though the battle is still regarded as momentous as it proved the Americans were a force to be dealt with in the international realm.  Outnumbered by the British, the US forces, led by Major General Andrew Jackson (of jogging fame if you’ve been reading previous posts), secured a victory most often attributed to the tactical prowess of Jackson and the fighting spirit of the beleaguered Americans.

Fact:  There is much more to this great battle than traditional fighting techniques and major generals obsessed with jogging.  The British, still considered the greatest standing army at the time, were not simply beaten by American tenacity, but rather seduced and conquered by a great ruse concocted by one of Jackson’s Creole underlings.  Old Joggin’ Hickory listened intently to Private Blanchett Boulivier Bonduit-Boucher’s ingenious plan:  “Sir, we have no chance of defeating the British on fair terms, so I propose a plan that combines my people’s traditional festivities with the one great weakness of the British – their soap-white skin.  As I’m sure you know, my people celebrate Mardi Gras or Carnivale, Fat Tuesday in English, sir.  And there is one thing my people, and this may be a stretch, but all peoples, cannot resist – showing their tits for plastic beads.  With this sunny and humid climate here in New Orleans, the British will melt like witches once a piece of their skin makes contact with their most fearsome enemy, the Sun.  It’s worth the risk.”  As an added bonus, the British were running on a low war treasury, so the mere sight of doubloons and pearls, even if made of plastic, would send the British into a frenzy, toppling each other over for these “priceless” treasures.  On the cloudless morning or January 8^th, the plan commenced.  Twelve American warships entered the Gulf of Mexico, headed by a very large ship festooned with all things gaudy.  The British, already taken aback by this display of flamboyance, were exponentially awed by what they saw next.  Major General Andrew Jackson sat at the helm, wearing nothing but a head of Indian feathers and a coconut bra; but he was armed to the teeth with beads of all colors.  The British were vanquished and didn’t even know it yet.  British captains, admirals and seamen alike all started screaming and undressing themselves in order to show their pasty man-boobs to the “Mardi Gras King” Jackson.  As expected, the sun burnt them so mercilessly that within minutes the majority of British troops and sailors lay on the ground in agony.  As they writhed in pain, attempting to apply aloe vera as quickly as possible, they were met with the sound of cannonball fire.

Nowadays, this historical fact is often overlooked.  But the next time you show your boobies for some beads in New Orleans, make sure you salute a soldier in thanks.