Cross-Dressing in the Name of Country

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The Communist Manifesto: Corrected Edition

Myth:  Karl Marx, born to an upper middle-class family in what is now present-day Germany, was, and continues to be, one of the most influential sociologists in modern history.  Living during the 19^th century, Marx experienced the effects of dramatic industrial expansion, the rise of a wealthy merchant class and the subjugation of an entire working-class populace.  In his most famous work, The Communist Manifesto, Marx highlights the fact that all societies are struggles between classes.  In it, he is a strong opponent of the ruling upper echelons of society, believing them to be a collective, selfish bourgeoisie that benefited from the unfair practices of capitalism.  Under his theory of socialism, or later known as Marxism, the working-class – or proletariat – would rebel and revolt, turning the current paradigm on its head.  The dictatorship of the working classes would soon give rise to a stateless, communistic entity, in which the people would work for the whole of society and share the benefits of their toils.  Marxism today has found its way into many societal facets, ranging from healthcare to pure political thought, and spanning the globe from Cuba to Europe.

Fact:  Karl Marx was indeed born into a wealthy family, and he attended both the prestigious University of Boon and esteemed University of Berlin.  Ironically, Marx suffered a nervous breakdown during a senior year course on the philosophy of political economies.  The onset of schizophrenia was quick and crippling.  However, as this was the last course of the year and graduation was imminent, it went unnoticed by his friends and family, simply believing he was thrilled to be done with his studies.  A tragically comedic passage from a friend’s diary underscores Marx’s detachment from society:  “Ol’ Marxy ran through the crowd and received his diploma wearing just a handkerchief around his left ankle, slapped the Chancellor with his penis and then ran through the streets.  Oh what a joyous prank!  So like him.”  In reality, Marx was manic.  Shortly after graduation, Marx told his parents he was working in Paris as a philosopher, though in reality he was living under the Eiffel Tower with all his belongings contained in a Nutella jar.  He was homeless.  And he looked the part – beard unkempt and shocks of hair flying in all directions.  But, he did write.  The writings, however, were accounts of his daily life of begging and conspiracy theories that he mulled over night after night.  The title itself of The Communist Manifesto points to Marx’s insanity.  Since his spelling had suffered since the breakdown, Marx had meant to title the piece The Come You Nist, Manifest You, “Nist” of course the German word for she-devil.  He was perpetually afraid of a she-devil that was apparently hunting him around the city of Paris, and in defense, Marx often wore a tinfoil cap to keep his thoughts from this she-devil.  The large, new factories sprouting up all over the European landscape frightened poor Marx, which is why he aimed most of his animosity toward capitalism and the rise of what he called, “Towers of Fire.”  The “Nist” often breathed fire onto her enemies in old German lore.  What scholars describe as the lower classes, or proletariat, was actually a massive miscommunication on Marx’s part.  Again, Marx meant to say “Bro, litter,” roughly translating to “Bro, any garbage you could give me because I’m hungry.”  But, philosophers still believed him to be a genius; a genius in the guise of a tin hat-wearing, conspiracy theorist.  So, all of you Marxists out there, you’re actually following the writings of a man constantly on the run from a she-devil and her towers of fire, living under the Eiffel Tower to deter any mind-reading by the infamous Nist, and asking Bros for litter and hot dogs.

Hamilton vs. Burr: Circle Jerking

Myth:  The Burr-Hamilton duel is one of the greatest feuds in American history, spanning decades and rivaling the likes of the Hatfields and McCoys.  Alexander Hamilton, former Secretary of the Treasury, and Aaron Burr, the incumbent Vice President, had had a long, bitter history dating back to 1791.  Hamilton, a fervent Federalist – that is a supporter of a strong centralized government – felt Burr was a wily, deceitful creature of Democratic-Republican stock, that is to say one against the centralized powers of government.  After much bickering between the two, tensions came to a head when Hamilton swayed Congress to vote in Jefferson during the deadlocked 1800 presidential elections since Hamilton believed Jefferson was the lesser of two-evils when compared to Burr.  Following an incriminating account, in print mind you, Burr rashly challenged Hamilton to a duel.  Though dueling was outlawed in the state of New Jersey, the men met on July 11, 1804, in Weehawken, New Jersey in the early morning hours.  True to his word that he would not fire at Burr, Hamilton shot at a tree, while Burr took dead aim at his nemesis and mortally wounded Hamilton.  Alexander Hamilton died the next day after hours of agonizing pain.

Fact:  First and foremost, dueling with pistols had long been outlawed in the United States after the ratification of the Constitution, and a more egalitarian approach had been set in motion to coincide with the egalitarian ideals of the new Republic.  This is not to say that the Burr-Hamilton feud was not real – it most certainly was – but the actual “pistol” duel did in fact never take place.  As early as 1790, several new methods of dueling to settle matters of honor and saving face were enacted – methods that would most certainly not result in death, but still satisfy its practitioners.  Thomas Jefferson was the first to compile a more democratic and civilized, albeit flamboyant, guide to dueling in his famous Jefferson’s Guide To Dueling Without Bloodshed, Except If They Are Of Indian Descent, Then It’s Totally Kosher To Kill Them & Birdwatching Techniques.  The title was later shortened.  The first five methods are a telltale sign of America’s yearning to create a more equal and humane republic:  1) Breast Bunching (a precursor to the Tittie Twister that would abound in schools of later years, 2) Shin Kicking (John Adam’s preferred method, 3) The Quaker Quiet (a method where two combatants would sit in a Quaker house and try to not say anything for hours on end, and the first to fart, cough, or speak would lose), 4) I’ve Got Your Head (usually used for minor feuds, where combatants would attempt to pull off the powdered wig of his opponent, and 5) Circle Dueling (considered to be the most democratic of all the methods, this was generally undertaken during stressful Senate hearings when men needed to let out aggression.  A circle was created whereupon a chain of slapping with gloves ensued until the circle was complete.  It was a precursor to the Circle Jerk of Fraternity Houses of later years).  As harmless and egalitarian as these methods may seem, there were some weak points.  Most notably, the Circle Duel would end in one man unable to slap the man who had initiated the slapping, leaving him testier than before.  On July 11, 1804, a seemingly routine Circle Duel went awry when the last man slapped was none other than Aaron Burr, and by the glove of his nemesis, of Alexander Hamilton.  Burr, incensed because he had run out of slapping room, slapped Hamilton back, directly in the eye.  Hamilton’s eye grew to the size of a walnut and was extremely bloodshot.  Unable to see, Hamilton stumbled into Burr’s holstered pistol, inadvertently firing it at his chest.  Hamilton passed away due to a Circle Jerk gone awry.

The Incredible Polish Hulk

Myth:  Marie Curie, the notable Polish-French physicist and chemist, is most widely known for her theory of radioactivity and the discovery of two new elements:  polonium and radium.  She was the first female professor at the University of Paris, the first to win two Nobel Prizes – one in physics and one in chemistry, mind you – and sadly, she died the age of 66 due to consistent exposure to her life’s work, radioactive elements.  Her earlier papers are said to be too radioactive to even handle, a predicament that came to fruition because of the unknown harmful consequences of radioactivity at the time.  Marie is, and still remains, the only woman to be entombed at the Pantheon in Paris solely based on her own merits.

Fact:  Undoubtedly a brilliant physicist and chemist, Marie is still painted as a tragic figure, ironically dying because of her life’s work.  Again, most scientific historians agree that the effects of radiation were unknown at the time, and therefore very lax safety measures were enacted.  This may be true for the majority of Curie’s scientific counterparts, but Marie was already well aware of radiations negative effects – as well as the positive effects.  She was a Pole.  And all Poles are born with an innate defense against radioactivity.  The centuries of the mismatching outfits, putting pink flamingos out on their lawns and a deep penchant for Casio watches, all provided a societal shield to all things gaudy.  And since radioactivity is the pinnacle of gaudiness, it seems only fitting that Dr. Curie would be the one to discover it.  In her diary she noted, “Radioactivity presents a large display of colors, iridescent glows, much akin to the glow of my bedazzled wedding dress I purchased at Sir Kryryryryryrryryrryrywwwwwski’s Palace of Hand-Me-Downs – it is truly a wondrous thing!”  Not only did Curie carry the Polish genetic trait that allowed one to deflect radioactivity, but she carried the lesser know trait that enabled a Pole to absorb the powers of radioactivity and unleash them upon an unsuspecting world.  She could reassemble a Casio calculator watch in seconds, could see the filling of a pierogi without slicing into it (unfortunately, her x-ray vision only applied to food items), and she could gain a massive ten pounds – large weight compared to her emaciated Polish countrymen – and smash men like they were stuffed cabbages.  This last power, characterized by a sudden gain in muscle, the shredding of her blouse and the morphing into a frightening, polka-dotted monster, changed the trajectory of history (much like the later Incredible Hulk, but much less sinister and cheaper and Polish in appearance).  Nevertheless, well into her forties, she was called upon during World War I to slay the menacing Kaiser Wilhelm II and end that atrocious war.  Curie thrashed her way into his bunker, and as a barrage of cabbage and the awful glow of pink polka dots blinded Wilhelm, Curie was able to plant one last pink flamingo into the skull of the Kaiser.  The Polish may not be known for the their fighting prowess, but it only took one feeble, old Pole, Marie Curie, to the end The Great War. 

Quaker Oats Onslaught

Myth:  Independence Day.  The 4^th of July.  The most honored, beloved and celebrated day in the 235-year history of the United States of America.  On that day in 1776, colonists representing their respective states became Americans as they signed the Declaration of Independence, betraying their former mother, the great British Empire.  After years of taxation without representation in British Parliament, unjust practices by British officials, perpetual exploitation and constant rejection of self-government, the Americans took the plunge into the unknown.  However, there was definitely one certainty – war.  After seven years of fighting, the Americans won their freedom in 1783.  Greatly influenced by the French and Scottish Enlightenments, the newly formed United States of America was about to execute one of the greatest political experiments in modern history.

Fact:  Historians will invariably point to various instances that sparked the American Revolution, namely taxation and the stifled voices of colonists in Parliament.  These circumstances definitely vexed the American colonists, but not to the point of treason.  No, there was a much more insidious factor flowing through the political canals – factors coming from inside the colonies.  Those supposed pacifists, those compassionate people of Pennsylvania, those Quakers, were in actuality a nefarious gang of conniving cutthroats.  The Society of Friends darkly referred to themselves as The Society of Fiends.  The Stamp Act.  The Tea Tax.  These were minor difficulties compared to the devastating Oatmeal Tax of 1771.  And if it’s one thing the Quakers profit from and hoard more of than anything else, it’s oatmeal.  Gold was a worthless commodity in this day, but it were those delicious Quaker Oats that went for highest sterling.  The Quakers knew that this high-fiber breakfast, packed with essential vitamins and minerals, was a cheap and brainpower-strengthening alternative to the gruel that most colonists and Britons ate for breakfast.  As the old motto went:  Gruel makes one Gruesome, but Oatmeal makes one Outstanding (Thomas Jefferson had this classic motivational poster hanging in his dorm room at William & Mary). The problem was that the Quakers had a monopoly on the Oatmeal trade, so British Parliament spurned them by implementing the Oatmeal Tax.  After 1771, the Quakers could see their fortunes waning.  No money for their silent orgy meetings.  No money for the annual Quaker dwarf throw.  No more Quaker Oats Queefing Contest (yes, they were a truly sick people).  They did dip into their own supply, so their wit and wile went untarnished, while the rest of the colonists became dumber after resorting back to gruel.  This is the time it is said that Benjamin Franklin flew a kite and key during a thunderstorm.  He wasn’t attempting to detect electricity, but rather had been eating gruel for breakfast, and therefore was simply being an idiot.  The Quakers formed the Continental Congress where they influenced their dumbed-down counterparts to believe that no representation and a few taxes were worth the price of treason.  By signing the Declaration of Independence, the Quakers were again free to peddle their golden oats without penalty.  They sat back as their American brethren shed blood for God and country.  Take away a Quaker’s oatmeal and he will stab you in the kidney.

Slut for Socialism

 

Myth:  The Russian Revolution, the comprehensive term for a period of great tumult and change in Russia, namely in 1917, eventually led to a Soviet Russia and the toppling of the centuries-old rule of the Tsars.  The massive slaughter of Russians during World War I, an unruly peasant class, a yearning for democratic involvement in government and a cataclysmic industrial boom all foreshadowed a great revolution for the Russian people.  Led by the charismatic Vladimir Lenin, the Bolsheviks (or socialist/communist party), eventually held sway after a bloody civil war between the conservative Nicholas II and the Tsarists, and later the Provisional Government, ended in 1922.  A communist Russia was born – the Soviet Union – which would last for nearly 80 years.

Fact:  The idea of an oppressed Russian populace eager for change under the thumb of the Nicholas II is an utter fallacy.  The populace was, to put it shortly, fairly wealthy.  Suburbs were sprouting up all around metropolises like Moscow and St. Petersburg.  Whole Foods were emerging with the help of local farming from the “peasant class” – a class that was, in fact, peasant by name only.  They were reaping large profits from their Whole Foods sales – mostly from Certified Organic Borscht, or COB – while simultaneously maintaining their peasant Russian identity.  As late as 1910, Lenin was living in a 4 bedroom, 3 ½ bath McMansion in the outskirts of St. Petersburg, a little subdivision called White Willow Cossack Village.  His children even attended a private Montessori school.  Lenin, however, felt what most of Russia was feeling during this time of great prosperity under the Tsars:  A loss of one’s Russianness.  What did it mean to be Russian?  Well, for Lenin, it meant living in dark, squalid conditions, drinking as much vodka as humanly possible, wearing at least two gold chains at all times, and most of all, being as creepy and guttural to outsiders as possible.  So, in this sense, the spark of the Russian Revolution was not economic or political, but rather a deep-seated desire to fulfill past stereotypes.  Lenin made his first large step toward social change when he looked in the mirror and saw a pathetic Russian complete with perm, sideburns and puka shell necklace.  He defiantly shaved his head, obliterated his sideburns and sculpted a devilish mustache/goatee combo – the image of Lenin we all know.  At an early Bolshevik meeting, Leon Trotsky remembered Lenin well because of his tenacious support of The Cause.  “I had come to the meeting with my favorite drink in hand, a sparkling orange Pellegrino, knowing that it would be a lengthy affair.  Only steps in the room and Lenin swats my Pellegrino to the ground and starts barking, ‘If you want to be carefree, whistling Italian, so be it, but you will never be welcome here.’  From that moment on, I knew we had a chance, and more importantly, I started griping about Russia’s brown water and took to the vodka bottle.  I was now a true brooding Russian.”  Lenin attracted the majority of Russia with this call to stereotyping.  No more Whole Foods.  There would now only be one brand of soda – and it would most definitely suck.  Only one brand of car, one brand of pickles, one brand of shampoo, and yes, they would all suck.  Lenin had utilized Marx and socialism as a way to change the social and cultural tastes of Russia, not the government and economy.  The economy and government would just follow suit.  And that suit would be Gloomy Grey, the style and color of suit Lenin started buying at Backwards RMart (The Soviet equivalent of TJ Maxx).

Marco! Polo!

Myth:  Marco Polo, a merchant from the Venetian Republic, is best known as one of the first Europeans to travel and document his extensive journeys into Central Asia and parts of China during the 13^th and 14^th centuries.  A friend of the court of Khan – leaders of the Mongol Empire – Polo was able to convey the rich cultural, and more importantly, mercantile, richness these mysterious Eastern lands had to offer.  After a 24-year journey through the Orient, Polo returned to Venice to find the city besieged and at war with Genoa, whereupon he was quickly imprisoned.  He dictated his tales of wonder and wealth to his cellmate until his release in 1299, after which he became a wealthy merchant, husband and father of three until his death in 1324.  Polo’s pioneering and exploring spirit directly influenced the likes of Christopher Columbus, imbuing him with a sense that anything is possible with a spark of curiosity.

Fact:  The swimming pool game “Marco Polo,” a game played by numerous youths during the long and humid days of summer, is rooted in historical fact.  As most medievalists know, the next worst thing to being a rapist, was having the affliction of blindness – a disease believed to be associated with the devil, for one can only see darkness.  Marco Polo was, in fact, blind.  After a traditional Venetian meal of spaghetti and all-you-can-eat breadsticks, Polo is said to have to traveled for miles, groping for a napkin, finally snagging the holy vestments of the Venetian Bishop and wiping marinara on the Bishop’s miter.  In the eyes of the Venetians, this was an act of the devil, and poor Polo was to be exiled.  A passage from Polo’s personal memoirs underlines his detachment with the Venetians and his want to travel away from that despicable place:  “I am ashamed, scared and fearful of God.  But I shall persevere.  Since waterways lead to places of commerce and industry, I will only travel through the medium of water.  And more interestingly, I believe I have heard voices from the Almighty.  For when I speak my Christian name, my father’s name comes echoing back, leading me to wherever it is God wants me to be.  I am his instrument.  Marco!  Polo!”  This seems odd that Polo construed this as a blessing since on several occasions the ensuing “Polo” led him to various, unwanted places:  1) He fell into the Grand Canal at least 25 times, 2) He impaled himself about 10 times at the local blacksmith’s, and 3) He walked into mass on several occasions, undressing the priest thinking the garments were his own.  Undeterred, Marco Polo set out on his 24-year quest.  Ironically, Polo never ventured into Asia, or even out of Venice for that matter.  He, sadly, walked in circles – for 24 years mind you – in the fountain located behind his home.  It seems that several young Venetian ruffians were echoing Polo every time Marco would call out his name, thereby mimicking the voice of God.  They did this for 24 years – quite a commitment to a sick joke.  A neighbor of Polo’s finally recognized what was transpiring and pulled Marco out of the water, only to find that his toes had been “pruned” beyond recognition.  In his mind, Polo had traveled the world.  In reality, Polo had traveled the distance of a kiddie pool about 45,000 times.  The effect of long-term contact with chlorine from his backyard fountain were hallucinations about a far off Eastern Empire, decadent beyond his wildest dreams.  Polo had stayed in the pool for far too long.