Patrick "Tilted Kilt" Henry

This episode of History Bros is brought to you by your local college’s summer gifted program for your tween child.  Instill a false sense of arrogance at a young age, which will inevitably lead to a sense of failure in the future…at your local college’s summer gifted program for tweens. Nerds!

Speaking of nerds, today’s guest is that drunk guy that won’t stop repeating the same “The Hangover” quote at 2am. Patrick Henry!

PH: Give me liberty, or…

HB: Don’t.

PH: Give me boobies! I said that at a Tilted Kilt once.

HB: Were you kicked out?

PH: Yes, but, only because I had had too much Wild Turkey!  Give me liberty, or…

HB: Please stop.

PH: Give me a break…Kit Kat Bar.

HB: I actually like that one.

PH: I do too

HB: Patrick, would you actually prefer death if you couldn’t have liberty?

PH: No. It was all a lot of hot talk, and then people started dying, so it was like “oh shit, this got real 

after some hot talk!”

HB: Right, I get it.  Plus, some of the largest battles, like only 150 men would die on one side.

PH: I know, and I’m not even fighting, so who gives a shit.  Hey, you like Tilted Kilt?

HB: Um, can’t say I do.

PH: Me neither.  They kicked me out once.

HB: I know.

PH: Remember when Mike Tyson was in “The Hangover”?

HB: Patrick Henry, everyone!

(W)ilbur is for Loser

We’re back after many months of searching for a new sponsor! RC Cola! Do you have Coke? No? Pepsi? No? Fanta? Really? RC Cola! Diabetic mediocrity: RC Cola! Ginger ale? No!? Really?

Anyway, today we’re speaking with the lesser, bald Wright brother: Wilbur. His name even lets me down.

HB: Wilbur, what was it like to fly…for less than 30 seconds?

WW: Exhilarating! But then the excitement wore off when I realized that my brother’s, Orville’s, hair was flowing wildly in the wind.  I became self-conscious and slid on a cap, at which point I crashed.

HB: I understand.  Angry because you just kept your head stationary while a cold wind whipped your stubble?

WW: It’s deflating.

HB: Ohio or North Carolina, who was first in aviation?

WW: North Carolina, because Cleveland, right!?

HB: Yahahahaha

WW: Yahahahaha

HB: Shut up!  …Kitty Hawk.  What’s the deal?

WW: It’s named after an old, old woman’s kitten that was eaten by a hawk.

HB: Makes sense.

WW: My brother didn’t invent popcorn, if that’s your next question.

HB: Nice to meet you, Wilbur!  Until next time.

Clam Chowder with Mussolini

History Bros is back after yet another long break! I took it upon myself to search for the best wings in the country, and guess what, they’re at Hooters.  Hooters: where groping, Florida and 1991 converge! Hooters. Fun fact: I once had the New England clam chowder at a Hooters in Colorado Springs in 2005.  Hooters…people eat soup there. Hooters! Now that that’s out of the way, let’s welcome back a friend of the show – but enemy of the people – Benito Mussolini. We’ll talk about fascism, Rogaine and tea. 1991!

HB: B! Nice to see you again.  Please, indulge in the Bigelow in front of you.

BM: No, grazie.

HB: Nito, if you don’t drink it, the bit doesn’t work.

BM: Espresso?

HB: Take a fucking sip!

BM: Fine!

HB: And…tea with Mussolini!

HB:  Can I have the mug back?  We only have three working mugs.  Nito, why still the fascism?

BM: I like to wear black.  That, and the hat.

HB: Fair enough.  Fascism for fashion. I get it.

BM: You always wear that stickball hat.

HB: Baseball cap…but yeah, I do. It’s because I’m bald.

BM: Ha!

HB: And you forgot you are, too?

BM: Aw.

HB: What did you think you were gonna get out of that, you bully?  Give me that mug back…

BM: 83 percent! 83 percent of men retain or regrow hair! Rogaine lied to me, and now I will crush them!

HB: B, it’s just for the crown – they don’t take into account male pattern baldness. You can’t keep “crushing” people because of your own insecurities.

BM: But they disappoint, d—

HB: Are you crying?

BM: I have gelato in my eye!

HB: You’re so weird.  A first on History Bros: dictator crying!

HB:  Hey, buddy.  You want some soup?

BM: Yes.

HB: Ok, I know a great place that sells soup AND nostalgia!

BM: I like living in the past.

HB: I know you do, B. You like boobies and stickball, yeah?

BM: Yeah.

HB: Hooters! Nito, you can be my creepy uncle who says racist shit at a Hooters at three in the afternoon.

BM: I’d like that.

HB: I know you would. Bye!

Virgil is a Dick

This episode of History Bros is sponsored by collegeboard.org: collegeboard.org, making teachers teach to the AP Test since whenever. Students pay $93 per exam, the school pays $84 per exam, and so everyone’s fucked.  Collegeboard.org: the poor man’s ETS.  History Bros is also sponsored by Magnum condoms: Magnum condoms, it won’t fit. Stop it. Magnum Condoms!

We have a very special guest today, folks. But before I introduce him, I’d like him to try on one of these free Magnum condoms we received. Magnum condoms: just like bulk order t-shirts, you can’t trade down to the small, you’re stuck with a large!

HB: Try it on, you dunce.

V: I don’t understand.

HB: What are you compensating for?!

V: Huh?

HB: I’m sorry folks, I haven’t introduced you to my dear friend, Virgil. Ancient Roman poet, best known for his “epic,” The Aeneid.

V: Among other things, yes. I still don’t understand…

HB: Sure you do, you son of bitch. AP Latin . Senior year of high school. The entire year was spent translating that ripoff of Homer.

V: Mmm? I certainly modeled it after Homer’s epics, but I introduced new ideas of tragedy and poetry to the…

HB: Shut up. What was the verse written in again, pterodactyl sexymeter?

V: Dactylic Hexameter.

HB: No one likes you.

V: What?

HB: Everyone got a 1 on the AP exam! I drew Ziggy cartoons in my test booklet.  That. Actually. Happened.

V: Ziggy’s a good and, I might add, very witty friend of mine.

HB: Try it on!? For who do you work for!? Collegeboards.org!?

V: For whom.

HB: Take off your bed sheet, you hack!

(Pause)

HB: Oh my god, it’s huge.

V: Man is defined by the mind, son. You seem to be living in the past, and no one ever…

HB: Take the box of Magnums and get the hell out of my studio.

V: As you wish. (Takes a sip of Mountain Dew Red Zone). Red Zone gives you wings!

HB: And Virgil just flew out of the studio. He has a massive penis and can fly.

That's So Gav

Welcome back to another episode of History Bros after a brief period of grieving following the assassination of our last guest, James Garfield. He was assassinated on a Monday. He must hate Mondays. Anyway, enough of death, let’s breathe new life into this room with our next guest, a strapping young Balkan named Gavrilo Princip. 23-year-old assassinator of Archduke Franz Ferdinand of the Austro-Hungarian Empire and catalyst for World War I…  Fuck. Kevin! Kevin! More death?! And Kevin has given his 2-week notice as History Bros intern. New position open! Goddamnit! I dunno, maybe we can squeeze some fun out of this.

HB: Gavrilo…

GP: I go by Gav.

HB: This is already a bad start.  Ok, Gav, did this assassination take place on a Monday by chance?  This is the only thing that will cheer me up.

GP: Sunday.

HB: You suck.

GP: Do you have any vegan options – I can’t do this egg salad sandwich Kev gave me.

HB: Kev is gone now, so no.  Eat it.  You’re so ridiculously skinny.

GP: The Black Hand doesn’t oppress animals, only the oppressors, the Archduke Franz Ferdinand and his uncle’s regime of brutality.

HB: It’s apparently fairly multicultural, so I don’t know what you’re complaining about. Also, I don’t really mind Franz Ferdinand.

GP: I dunno, his early stuff was OK, but then he sold out and it just became corporatized. Less raw, ya know?

HB: No, I don’t. Gavrilo...

GP: Gav

HB: Nope, Gavrilo. Gavrilo, I’m not buying this whole Black Hand thing.

GP: Whatever, you wouldn’t understand anyway.

HB: Did you and your friends ride bikes to the assassination?

GP: No brakes, no gears!

HB: You suck at killing people.  Your equally skinny Black Hand bro Nedeljko…

GP: Ned.

HB: Shut up! He shittily threw his grenade at the Archduke, probably because he had absolutely no protein in his diet, and then tried to kill himself with a dud cyanide capsule and jumping into a river that was four inches deep. Cops got him right away.

GP: He was a poser.

HB: Gavrilo, I don’t like you, but I can tell you this, you need some protein because you will die of tuberculosis before you’re even hanged. I’m actually trying to help you and your little mustache out on this one.

GP: I’m fine with this pint of triple-filtered watermelon water and handful of lima bean husks

HB: Egg sandwich! Now!

GP: No!

HB: Eat it! Next time, ladies and gents!  Eat it!  Kevin, you’re rehired if you open this little shit’s mouth!