Homeless Horace

Today we take a break from KP duty, ditch the soldiers and sit down with a more intellectual sort: Mr. Horace Greeley.  Founder and editor of the venerable New York Tribune, Greeley was a fervent abolitionist and Radical Republican, often using his paper as a mouthpiece for the party and the dissemination of his ideals.  Born to poor parents to New Hampshire, Greeley went all Silicon Valley, left school at the age of 14 and sought fortune in editing and journalism - an inextricable piece to his more liberal politics.  At the request of Mr. Greeley, I've submitted myself to Earl Grey as the man is snobbish about the taste and wastefulness of my Keurig machine.  It tastes like someone shoved a cigar butt in my mouth...and I just burnt my tongue.  Great.  Let's go!

CWB:  Is my tongue bleeding?

HG:  No, sir.  Shipshape.

CWB:  Well, I won't be able to taste my Trader Joe's channa masala later on today, plus I'll get that flaky feeling a few days later.  The Keurig is out of sight, Mr. Greeley!

HG:  Doctor Greeley.

CWB:  You don't have your doctorate.

HG:  Fair point.

CWB:  In fact, I'm surprised you even have a job you dropout deadbeat.  I'm sorry, the Earl Grey has frayed the last of my nerves.

HG:  Understandable.  Well, to be candid, I actually don't hold a job at the current moment.  You know, print journalism.

CWB:  Booming, I hear.

HG:  Ah, sarcasm, the escape of the poor-witted.

CWB:  Shut up.  I already really don't like you.  But, we have forty-five minutes left in the slot and I already paid for the time.  Uhhh.

HG:  Well, I do freelance from time to time as a blogger for AOL.

CWB:  Ha!  Blogging.  About what?

HG:  Well, I like to poke holes in momentous historical events and twist them in a most devilish way, and what you have is satire.  AOL seems to like it.

CWB:  Oh.

HG:  Hmm.

HG:  Where's the recycling bin?

CWB:  Give it.  We generally just throw it in this yellow bag that waste management supposedly sorts from regular trash.  Guess what?  I don't think they do that.  I wouldn't.

HG:  Just like the well-oiled machinations of the corrupt Democratic Party!

CWB:  Doctor, I don't control waste management.  If you want, there's a Jamba Juice down the road, so be my quest.

CWB: And, he actually left.  Taking a quick break.

-

HG:  It is balmy out, sir.  Apologies, but the Jamba Juice didn't have recycling either, so I plodded a bit further until I came upon a delicious new yogurt store.  Kind folks gladly accepted my refuse.

CWB:  Fro-yo?  Yeah, can't stop that train.

HG:  Actually, it was an all-warm Greek yogurt bar with varying complicated infusions like rhubarb and loganberry.

CWB:  Gross.  I am not helping you if you got salmonella from that bacteria trap of a terrible idea gone worse.

HG:  More sugar for the tea?

CWB:  Equal?

HG:  Will not.

CWB:  Of course.

CWB:  I am completely out of ammo.  I have no idea what to discuss with you.  I'm going to throw out a ton of ideas, so please stop me when something you happen to know anything about pops up.  I am not mentioning tea.

CWB:  True Detective, Game of Thrones, Andrew Dice Clay, Sound of Music, The Colbert Report, Angry Birds, Slinkies, Hot Topic, Korn, Lebron James, Malaysia, Corey Feldman, Mardi Gras, Dustin Hoffman, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Dracula, Count Chocula, NASCAR, Vampire Diaries, alt-rock, sunscreen, Lowe's, Starbucks, Rudy...

HG: No to all, sir.

CWB:  Greeley, please answer this honestly.  Do you own a computer, TV or a Walkman?

HG:  What?

CWB:  Have you even left the house until today?  He's shaking his head.  Wait, how do you even write for AOL?

HG:  I dictate.

CWB:  Horace, I actually feel bad for you.  Do you even own a house?  He's shaking his head again.

CWB.  Uhhhhhh.  Alright, I'm going to leave a key and blanket on the desk after I leave today, okay?  Best I can do.  Just like in Rudy.  Right, you haven't seen that.  Do you want some hot yogurt?  Alright folks, I apologize for the disaster of a show, but I now have a philanthropical mission in my life.

CWB:  Only one topping, okay?
 

The Little Mac

Civil War Bros is back from vacation in Tallahassee, Florida, at the beautiful and underrated La Quinta Inn.  After a much needed respite, we meet with one of Lincoln's replaced generals: the meticulous George B. McClellan.  His brief tenure as general-in-chief of the Union Army, covering only 5 months in 1861 and 1862, left him with a slight chip on his shoulder.  Something he's exhibiting right now, as I see him parking his 1991 Toyota Tercel in the studio's only handicapped spot.  Harry from the Lou Gehrig's Disease foundation, with whom we share office space, will certainly not be pleased.  All that aside, let's chat with "Little Mac."

CWB:  Mac, nice to have you here today.  I'll keep it short so you don't get towed.

GM:  There's literally no one else in the parking lot.

CWB:  It's the principle, George.

CWB:  Alright, so, you're middle name is Brinton.

GM:  It is.

CWB:  Sounds like a faucet brand.

GM:  It does.

CWB:  The nickname "Little Mac," how do you feel about that?

GM:  Used to bother me a bit, but soon realized how my height and size played to my advantage when it came to shoe supplies.

CWB:  What size shoe do you wear?

GM:  Six.

CWB:  Is that even possible?

GM:  Yes, and while the other generals bumbled about for shoes during trying days, I received no infections because of an endless supply of sixes.

CWB:  I'm assuming all is proportional.

GM:  I have a large penis!

CWB:  You came right out of the gates with that one, and I'm sure it is.  Penises aside, what happened with the Peninsular Campaign?  Most say you were too timid and rigid in your approach, often leaving large portions of your army unused.

GM:  I exercised what I believed to be the necessary caution.  Was I over wary?  Sometimes.  Do I regret it?  No.  Am I asking a lot of rhetorical questions?  Yes.  Do I need to ask one more because I have OCD and need to do things in multiples of four?  Yes.  OK.

CWB:  You have OCD?!  So do I!  Quick, OCD-off.  Ten bucks says mine is milder than yours.  I'm putting out four pennies, emblazoned with your favorite man there, Lincoln, and all but one are heads up.  I can wait.

GM:  Waiting.

CWB:  Lincoln fired you.

GM:  Fuck, alright, I need to turn it.  Please get those off the desk.

CWB:  Ten dollars, Mac.

GM:  I can tell your OCD is less numerically oriented, seems unfair.  Plus you're wearing that SARS mask.

CWB:  I don't know what you brought in here!

CWB:  Stones of Beatles?

GM:  Rush.

CWB:  Ugh.  Alright, follow-up.  Nirvana or Green Day?

GM:  Rancid.

CWB:  Georgie, don't be that guy.

CWB:  You decided to run against Lincoln in the 1864 presidential election.  In hindsight, did that seem like an idiotic move?  I mean, the man is generally regarded as our greatest president.

GM:  At the time, I thought I had a chance.  He was unpopular and his approval ratings were abysmal.

CWB:  Daniel Day-Lewis portrayed him in the movie Lincoln.  Daniel Day-Lewis doesn't just play anyone.  He either plays God or Lincoln.  Side note: was the voice a little too muppety?

GM:  It was actually extremely close.  I'd even have gone as far as to say that it needed to be more whiny.

CWB:  Easy Lil' Mac, this is America.  Arby's and Lincoln.  You are not on two pieces of US currency.

CWB:  One more about Lincoln.  Thaddeus Stevens, played wonderfully by aging Texan Tommy Lee Jones, in bed with his black housemaid, true or false?

GM:  True.

CWB:  I knew it!

CWB:  Georgie, thank you for stopping by...and your car windows are being shattered by an enraged Harry.  McClellan is now unsheathing is sidearm, running outside, and I am calling the police.

Unleash the Beast

After a short hiatus, Civil War Bros is back.  Today's guest is Benjamin "Beast" Butler, the notorious Major General of the Union Army known for his brutal martial law regime in New Orleans.  We'll get to the softer side of this "beast" and discuss the lighter things in life:  Dennis Franz, Mardi Gras and Treme.  Let's unleash the beast.

CWB:  Beast, my man, how you been?

BB:  Can't complain too much, but I now have type II diabetes because of Red Bull's incessant "Unleash the Beast" campaign during the occupation of New Orleans.  Jager Bombs, O-Bombs, ad nauseum.  They're the ones who made me look like an asshole - Red Bull - pushing that shit on the citizenry and using me as spokesman - never saw a cent!  I have a strong feeling the city is in for worse in the future.

CWB:  I wouldn't know.  Anyway, you and Paula Dean now have something in common.  That's fun.

BB:  We were both pro-slavery before the war, so two things.

CWB:  Disturbing.  I'm going to call you Dennis Franz throughout the rest of the show.  It's uncanny.

BB:  I know, I get it a lot.  Wish I could be a Daniel Craig or a Clooney.

CWB:  Well, blame that on your father, Franz.

BB:  New Orleans was the one place where looks did not matter.  Gallons of Red Bull and rum washed away the Franz in all of us.  Even under my ridiculously oppressive system - and I think it had a lot to do with my lack of self-esteem, but that's for my therapist - the women folk would still show me their tits.  Where else does that happen?

CWB:  I have abandonment issues, so, I hear you.  Also, I feel like Russia would be like that.

CWB:  Do you miss New Orleans?

BB:  Somewhat.  I miss the food, the boobs and the culture.  I do not miss the crime, the smell and the Texans who came in droves to visit.

CWB:  Ugh, I think we can all agree on that.  I think the rest of the Confederacy hated Texas.

BB:  Except for Austin.  Super liberal.

CWB:  Everyone says that, and to be honest, I just don't care.  I'm not packing up and driving through the rest of the state to get to a possibly "fun" place.  Plus, let's say I do arrive and the hipsterism drives me fucking nuts - I'll end up in Dallas to counteract the effect.

CWB:  Let's get the hell off of Texas.  What are your thoughts on Treme?

BB:  I just started watching it via my parents' HBO GO account - yeah, I'm totally an adult.  I feel like I want to like it, but it's so damn boring.  But, if someone asks, I'll say I like it - just because it seems like we're all in on the same conspiracy:  we all like Treme because we're supposed to like it.  It's like Sorkin's Sports Night.

CWB:  You grew up in New Hampshire, what's that all about?

BB:  It's syrup and Bode Miller.

CWB:  Ah, that guy's a dick.

BB:  Best motto in the Union though.

CWB:  Agreed.  I want to move there just so I can get my "Live Free or Die" license plate.

CWB:  Popeye's or Church's Chicken?

BB:  Bojangles'.

CWB:  Oohh, someone did spend a lot of time in the South.

BB:  I have to check my blood sugar.

CWB:  Do you want a Red Bull?

BB:  Shut up.

CWB:  I kid.  Has there ever been a test to be completely "prick-free?"

BB:  No, and if a product claims so, they're lying.

CWB:  Alright, NYPD Blue, since you killed the mood with your five syringes on the table, we'll end it on one last question.  Uncle Ben or Cream of Wheat guy?

BB:  Uncle Ben.  He's family, and rice is much harder to cook than wheat cream.

CWB.  Franz, thank you, and the rest of your insulin is in the fridge right next to my Quizno's.  Get it out.

Meh. MacDonald.

Myth:  Canadian patriot and galvanizing politician, Sir John A. Macdonald holds the title of first Prime Minister of Canada, overseeing the newly independent British dominion.  Born in rough-and-tumble Glasgow, Scotland, Macdonald’s family immigrated to present-day Ontario while John was still a boy.  After years practicing law, Macdonald quickly rose to political prominence in the colonial legislature of British North America.  Amid the chaotic colonial infrastructure, in which many political parties rose and fell, Macdonald agreed to party unification with longtime political rival, George Brown.  As a leading figure among his coalition counterparts, Macdonald spurred his countrymen into action, resulting in the birth of the Canadian nation on July 1^st, 1867.  Though some intrigue pockmarked his illustrious career – including corruption charges concerning the Canadian Pacific Railway – Macdonald served as Prime Minister for the majority of his remaining days.

Fact:  As a historical scholar, I must stress, that like all historians, little is known about Canadian history.  This lack of knowledge stems from the fact that it is…Canadian history.  That being said, John Macdonald was indeed born in the remarkable and noteworthy nation of Scotland.  As a young Scottish boy he partook in weekly swordfights, the rescuing of princesses, and of course, taming dragons and killing Englishmen.  Then, something transpired that would scar young John for the entirety of his life: his family immigrated to Canada.  Aboard a bland, creaking ship with only a Tim Horton’s providing sustenance, the Macdonald clan slogged forward to their new home of present-day Kingston, Ontario.  There was some ice.  Some snow.  They even espied a moose shitting on the tundra.  John’s father, hoping to assimilate to British North American norms, built a one-story rancher with one window, for as the Canadian proverb goes: “Canadians have one window, while God has two.  Deal with it.”  John entered law at an early age, quickly grasping the finer details of British North American law and proving himself a worthy barrister, but not too worthy, mediocrely worthy.  Young Macdonald’s greatest case was the prosecution of a Canadian menace, “The Toddler Who Accidentally Stole Some Chewing Gum.”  The final arguments, detailing Macdonald’s persuasiveness, are as follows:  JM: “Jury, please accept my apologies for this trial taking place.  I’m sorry.  And Toddler Who Accidentally Stole Some Chewing Gum of great notoriety, I’m sorry for wasting your time.  That is all.  Oh, and your honor…I’m sorry.” Toddler: “My deepest apologies.” Judge: “I’m sorry.  Toddler, you are hereby, regretfully, sentenced to no dessert for one week.  With deepest sympathies, court is adjourned.  Oh my, that gavel was loud, I apologize.”  Such passion and conviction were but precursors to the political genius that would be Prime Minister John A. Macdonald.  Most of John’s success can be attributed to the fact that he was a bit more aggressive than his legislative counterparts.  He could be so daring as to ask for a second helping of Canada’s notoriously rich cuisine at political functions, adding another round of potatoes, sleet and a side of mashed potatoes to his plate.  Such boldness and cavalierism imbued him with a sense purpose and want to ask the British High Crown the question that politely stayed in the back of the minds of most Canadians: “May we, if it’s not too much trouble, govern ourselves?  I mean, I’m sorry, but yeah.”  Even his nemesis, George Brown and his gaudy off-white house WITH garage, never fathomed such audacity.  To the utter shock of John and the legislature, the British simply replied that they had been waiting decades for them to ask for autonomy, but it had to come from a Canadian, thereby proving Canada capable of confronting…anything.  Macdonald spent his remaining days serving as Prime Minister of Canada and practicing a normal Canadian civil servant routine: skating to and from work (and at work if possible), hiding under his desk, not watching pornography and sobbing whenever he dictated to his secretary (often resulting in a mandatory make-up make out session and tickets to Oklahoma!).  Macdonald, however, was unaware of the threat that would terrify his descendants in decades to come.  A breed of people more French than the French – a phrase synonymous with “complete dick.”  Quebecois.

The Quince

Myth:  Born just 8 years prior to the outbreak of America’s war for independence and reared in a household rife with talk of liberty and doses of austerity, John Quincy Adams already had big shoes to fill as a mere toddler.  His father and the 2^nd president of the United States, John Adams was a man of simple tastes, but still was an erudite politician and celebrity framer of America and her ideology.  Unlike Adams’ other children, John Quincy was baptized into diplomacy at an early age, often accompanying his father on trips to Europe and elsewhere.  He endured harsh seas and seemingly endless voyages in this age of slow transit – uncomplaining all the while.  Quincy absorbed his father’s tactics as a consummate ambassador, even if both Adamses were more timid than their political counterparts.  Ever aware of the unspoken pressures of growing up in an American dynasty, John Quincy quickly climbed the bureaucratic ranks and was appointed ambassador to the Netherlands at the ripe age of 26.  In 1825 he became our 6^th president, leaving a trail of milestones like the Monroe Doctrine and the acquisition of Florida.

Fact:  John Quincy Adams, as only his parents called him, generally went by his better-known moniker: The Quince.  He had numerous others, including “Ocho Quince,” “John Queefer,” “An American in Piss,” “6^th Prez and 6 Deep,” and the terribly penned “Bald on Top, Party in the Back, Oh My Deist Lord He’s Putting Cocaine on Her Crack” (this last is attributed to the once witty, but now senile and wildly inappropriate Benjamin Franklin).  But, it was always The Quince since he entered Harvard in the mid-1780s.  Eager to distance himself from his father’s shuttered personality, John Quincy turned to another delinquent Adams: his uncle, Samuel Adams.  Sam, much to the chagrin of his “lame, fugly” brother, John, had been selling his beer-like product to the hormonal adolescents of Revolutionary Boston since the Tea Party scene flamed out.  A horrendous brewer, Sam used fermented chicken stock and mule urine as his main ingredients; but as the main supplier for Boston’s teenagers, Quince and the others clung to his uncle’s choice brew, Tar & Feather’d.  Quince often lamented in his diary about his father’s strict household rules and moral platitudes: “Jefferson does it for his kids, Rutledge for his, and of course Mr. Hancock.  God, Mr. Hancock is so cool – wish he were my father.  He even lets us touch his big-ass name.  Why am I forbade to drink at all?  Father could get a clue and become a cool parent and let us drink in the house.  I mean, we’re going to get hammered anyway, why not in the safety of our own homes.  That’s what cool parents do…like John!  He even lets us call him by his first name!”  The simultaneous move to a Harvard dorm and befriending of his seedy uncle unleashed a new, coke-riddled, binge-drinking John Quincy to the world.  On a particularly uninhibited Saturday night, Quincy outdrank the Russian ambassador’s son in a classic Russian drinking game of “Drink Vodka, No Die.”  Hours after the ambassador’s son had passed out, Quincy kept at it until he topped off the feat by kegstanding one of his uncle’s mules.  Dazed, he raised his fists in glory to the chant of “Quince! Quince!”  Short on funds after graduation and already annoyed by his drunken uncle’s Boston-style racist rants, John Quincy realized the irony of his situation.  In order to continue his party/socialite lifestyle he needed to enter into politics – the only line of work in which he had connections, connections that would prove to be vital.  While working as secretary of state and bangin’ the secretary [Adams Five!], Quince became increasingly frantic due to Spain’s incursion into Latin America, impeding Adams’ cocaine supplier.  The Quince’s desperate plea for a continuous supply for coke also turned out to be one of the defining moments of his political career: The Monroe Doctrine.  In short, “any attempt to colonize or encroach on either North America or South America will be treated as an act of aggression and treated as such.  My boy Lopez will take a whaler’s paddle to your kneecaps and wish you would’ve been born a pussy-footin’ Virginian because daddy ain’t gettin’ no snow.”  The last sentence was struck from the document at the behest of Monroe.  Two liver transplants and a deviated septum later, The Quince put down the beer bong in 1848 and passed away with a grand legacy of foreign service and no sense of smell.

Franklin, Filthy Franklin

Myth:  Benjamin Franklin, renowned Renaissance man and Founding Father of the United States of America, was known as something of a promiscuous statesman.  Though Franklin did indeed produce an illegitimate son, William, this stigma of unbounded sexuality is unwarranted.  Franklin, establishing a common-law marriage with Ms. Deborah Read in 1730, was true to the woman whose hand in marriage was summarily rejected by her widowed mother prior to their common-law marriage.  Furthermore, Franklin was forthright about his illegitimate son from the onset, bringing the child into his and Deborah’s home subsequently after the public acknowledgment.  Serving abroad as US minister to both France and Sweden, Franklin was a popular character among both men and women – he often kept up correspondence with various women, and though tinged with flirtation, it was generally intellectual in nature.  Franklin’s will explicitly stated that his grave simply read Benjamin and Deborah Franklin, a testament to his love for his wife and ardent belief in a virtuous life.

             

Fact:  Virtuous?  Franklin was the farthest thing from it.  Benjamin was a sex-craved deviant, only empowered further by his dashing good looks.  Before one jumps to any judgment regarding Franklin’s status as “Ye Olde Loin Liberator,” you must remember that standards for general attractiveness were much different in the 18^th century.  Hair and rippling delts were inferior to one’s longevity in a time defined by a shockingly low life expectancy.  Good health in old age was the era’s aphrodisiac.  Franklin’s debauchery started at an early age in Boston, penning less notable – and less staid – titles as Poor Richard’s Almanac of Boston Taverns and the Pussy Therein.  Paling in comparison to Franklin’s much more praiseworthy almanac, the first was nevertheless exhaustive in its research of some 350 taverns in colonial Boston and the relative ease of getting laid at said taverns.  As Franklin continued to climb the political ranks, other noteworthy statesmen of the day were in awe of Franklin’s sexual prowess; some were even outright jealous of the old man’s success in the bedroom.  Thomas Jefferson, totes hot by today’s standards, did not hold a candle to Franklin’s supremacy as a Casanova.  “He layeth down the French, the British, and even the pearls of the Orient, and I still sit idle, biding my time with the greatest vaginal deterrent to have ever lived, John Adams.  Goddamn John Adams.  Well, I still have Sally Hemmings, but that’s like paying for a prostitute – I feel no more nobler.”  Franklin’s notoriety as a playboy extended beyond the realm of the United States, as he was a welcome guest at all of Europe’s greatest galas.  Old Benjamin is said to have set the modern precedent of Halloween as the de facto “excuse to be slutty” day.  Paris in 1784 saw the first Bros and Scary Ho’s party, where women of the French elite showed a bit more ankle and wrist, donning prepackaged costumes such as Sexy Marie Antoinette or Sexy Homemaker.  Though a hedonist at heart, Franklin used his innate promiscuity for good.  He is attributed with single-handedly distracting British troops by disseminating a pamphlet detailing hot encounters with lonely British wives – a sure distraction for a British people known to engage in sexual activity at a mandatory distance of 40 yards.  Death and taxes were not the only two inevitabilities of Franklin’s life, but rather they were death, taxes and the entrancement of women by well-coifed side hair.

Blackbeard's Ironic Beard

Myth:  Edward Teach, more commonly and notoriously known as Blackbeard, is the archetype of the 17^th and 18^th century pirate who would roam the exponentially popular trade routes crossing through the Caribbean and coasts of the British colonies of North America.  Little is known about Blackbeard, but educated speculation points to a man possibly raised in a respectable, wealthy family; someone who could read and write; and one of many who capitalized on the increased shipping traffic of the West Indies following Queen Anne’s War in the early 18^th century.  Contrary to popular belief, most privateers-turned-pirates of this day in age were not necessarily of the fiendish sort most imagine them to be; rather, they were often pardoned by their respective governments from time to time and compelled to capture and loot enemy nations’ ships.  Nevertheless, Blackbeard was branded a criminal, as he often utilized means of intimidation rather than outright slaughter to subdue his victims.  After various operations outside wealthy port towns such as Charles Towne (Charleston), South Carolina, Teach settled around the coast of North Carolina.  Various colonial governors continued to express concern over the pirate’s continued escapades, and so it fell upon Lieutenant Robert Maynard’s shoulders to put an end to Teach’s career aboard his beloved Queen Anne’s Revenge.  Maynard’s men spotted Blackbeard and his men near Ocracoke Island on the evening of November 21^st, 1718.  The following morning a vicious battle ensued, resulting in the death and beheading of Edward Teach, soon to be mounted on Maynard’s sails both as a warning and a means to collect his bounty.

Fact:  Much more is known about Edward Teach than most historians admit, most likely due to the fact that Edward Teach is really not worth noting in the annals of history.  Born into an upper-middle class suburban Bristol, UK family and raised in a two-sloop garage type of home, Teach was your classic bored, suburban white boy.  Excelling in English and Comparative Literature, he finished Eton in 3 years and then opted to attend the newly founded Sarah Lawrence College to pursue English and Shakespearean Literature and Effects on Sustainability.  He also cited “a need to find my own path and unique identity in this conformist world” as reasons for matriculating to a British North American liberal arts college.  Concurrently, the age-old off-and on obsession with moustaches and beards began to hit its stride while Teach was at Sarah Lawrence.  And as history has consistently shown us, the moustache/beard obsession is often accompanied by infatuations with pirates, ninjas, gramophones and old-school bicycles (we currently reside during one of these asinine and tedious times, though historians agree that a decline is in progress).  And so it began.  Teach first grew mutton chops, and then graduated to a full-on thick, black, Arcadian Fire-worthy (think Arcade Fire but with fifes) beard while dissecting the possibility that Chaucer might be gay in his senior level English seminars.  Since Teach wasn’t that much of a fan of the Orient (Oh sure, he would laugh at a good ninja joke now and then out of respect), he opted for the pirate route.  After graduation, his beard thicker than ever, friends began to call him Blackbeard, an ironic nod to the matter-of-factness the nickname evoked.  Armed with a Comparative Lit degree, Teach quickly found work at a local coffee house near Wilmington, North Carolina – The Pirate’s Press.  Unaware that he was effectively becoming irrelevant to both British and colonial society, Blackbeard plummeted headfirst into a social abyss filled with “Arrrrghs” and eye patches.  He and his friends even went so far as to carry fake doubloons on their person, so whenever they’d encounter each other at the Pirate’s Press or a King James Jam Festival ironic hilarity would ensue.  The evening of November 21^st, 1718 was a fateful night for Teach.  Soon after leaving a DIY silk screen printing press workshop, Blackbeard – who was now lacking in depth perception due to the constant wearing of an eye patch combined with ill-walking skills due to a youth large blouse adorning his much larger frame – tripped over a fixed-gear clipper ship anchor right onto a Lieutenant Maynard’s holstered sword.  Blackbeard expired a few hours later.  A few friends tattooed his date of death and a beard onto their arms, but besides those few attempts of immortalization, Teach’s memory was lost to the world.