Achilles Heel

Myth:  Handed down over the centuries, mostly through oral tradition, though immortalized in such epics as The Iliad and The Odyssey, the Trojan War remains one of the greatest military stories of the millennia.  The reality of the event has been in contention for centuries, but in recent years archaeologists and historians have unearthed evidence of the remains of a stronghold in modern-day Turkey – believed to be the location of ancient Troy (or Ilium).  Some historians do believe a battle between the ancient Achaeans (Greeks) and Trojans did indeed occur, but to a much less fantastical degree than the likes of Homer suggest.  Authenticity aside, accounts of the ten-year campaign that was the Trojan War shed light on the absolute importance of glory, saving face, triumph and loyalty during the 12^th and 11^th centuries BC that trickled down to the height of Greek civilization some centuries later.  A story of mortal versus mortal, god versus god and the utter grasp of fate, the Trojan War lore continues to hold the imagination of our post-modern, skeptical society in which we live today.

Fact:  The Trojan War as an unparalleled work of verse by a school of poets, most notably attributed to Homer, is indeed a captivating, violent and lascivious legend.  But one must read between the lines in order to gain the ulterior motives by the author: pre-evangelicalism.  That’s right, Homer and his cronies, were nothing more than the prototypes of the likes of Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson.  The present-day epic that is The Twilight Saga is on par with accounts of the Trojan War and The Iliad – neither tween nor serious scholar would disagree with that – and it shares a few commonalities: fantastic authorship and an underlying theme of abstinence.  The Iliad constantly, even incessantly, depicts the battling warriors as sweaty, muscled, barely-clothed, attractive specimens of God – or the gods in The Iliad’s case.  Contemporary accounts inform us that acceptable clothing was indeed available, but these men were lusty and thirsting for blood – or penis, depending on how you interpret the tome.  Swords were plentiful, but if one reads the account once more, he will pick up a much larger theme: the spear was the weapon of choice.  You have Achilles, Hector, the two Ajaxes (incestuous lovers), Agamemnon, Paris, etc., “spearing” all over the place.  The prior nine years (or nine months if historical accuracy is taken into account) that The Iliad fails to mention in length is due to the fact that everyone was pregnant.*  And amid all this debauchery, the gods were always watching and judging.  So much sex and wrongdoing was bound to incur the wrath of the gods, especially Zeus, the fundamental Pentecostal among the gods.  The moral of the story: everyone dies because of his sexual transgressions.  Homer wrote The Iliad as a means to both enthrall and indoctrinate the impressionable young Greek youth.  Fight fully-clothed and without spear and you will earn the gratitude of the gods, but stray like “comely” Achilles, take your shirt off, grease up and spiral into a spearing frenzy and you shall incur the wrath of the gods.  Read The Twilight Saga and The Iliad back-to-back and you will be in awe of the similarities and common message of abstinence and restraint in the face of shirtless men.

*  Prior to the 5^th century BC, all men were capable of becoming pregnant.  Historians refer to this as the “Junior Period” – a nod to the blockbuster hit Junior, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Death by Dresser

Myth:  A man of many trades – a farmer, land speculator, writer, politician – Ethan Allen is best remembered as a patriot during the American Revolution.  Born in the colony of Connecticut, Allen would later lead a frontier life and become an integral part in the formation of the state of Vermont.  Due to several legal complications regarding land grants and the incursion of the colony of New York, Allen formed the Green Mountain Boys, a ragtag militia consisting of family members and locals.  As fate would have it, the Boys and Allen’s original intention of intimidation turned into a full-on assault against the British as tensions rose between the colonies and the British.  Sensing war was imminent, Allen and Boys captured Fort Ticonderoga located in present-day upstate New York in May of 1775.  Utilizing his momentum, Allen pushed forward and attempted to seize Montreal.  It failed.  Allen was captured by British authorities and wasn’t released until 1778 during a prisoner swap.  Immediately after his release, Allen rejoined his Boys in the fight for independence as a major general – not to mention a colonel in the Continental Army.  Ethan Allen was an extraordinary everyman, the embodiment of the American frontier mentality so crucial to the United States’ autonomy.

Fact:  When one mentions Ethan Allen, most laymen think of the delightful, albeit expensive, furniture company.  Most historians grimace at the thought of associating a hardscrabble American patriot with the living room of a junior vice president at a Fortune 500 company.  This connection, however, is by no means demeaning – quite the contrary.  Allen derived his military prowess from all things furniture-related.  As is custom today in Vermont, so was Allen’s proto-Vermont vehemently against the chopping down of Mother Earth’s trees.  Instead, Vermont took the high road and implemented the use of African slaves as pieces of furniture rather than obliterating God’s forests (fun fact: slavery was still legal in the territory, idiots).  Though due to the lack of black people in Vermont, as is still the problem today, white men often took turns “being” the coffee table.  And since Allen often entertained political acquaintances, it was his duty as host to provide his guests with comfortable seating by way his of brawny Vermont loins.  As the cloud of war hovered over the colonies, many colonists sympathetic to the cause were still wary to fight due to the British’s overwhelming numbers.  Guerilla warfare was often thrown out as a possibility, but many New Englanders rejected the idea as unmanly.  Allen proposed an idea that would allow the rebels to garner precious intel without sacrificing their already scarce numbers: pose as furniture in British headquarters, barracks, etc.  Allen had the training, now he had to only “side table” his way to victory.  A list of his five most daring and impressive intelligence missions is as follows: 1) Spent 12 hours as an ottoman at the home of British loyalist James Q. Cornworthy, 2) Lampshade, 3 hours, in a poorly lit British barracks in upstate New York, 3) Armoire at the governor’s mansion in Massachusetts (arm was ingeniously disguised as a corset), 4) Fireplace at Fort Ticonderoga (lasted about 5 seconds until he was set on fire, whereby he deemed it necessary to just take the fort), 5) 86 hours as a grandfather clock in General Cornwallis’ New York headquarters (completed 86 consecutive chimes complete with Beatles’ White Album soundtrack).  Allen was finally captured after sneezing while posing as a chaise lounge in Montreal.  In 1788, he was inadvertently released while pretending to be a manure crate aboard a British warship.  His intelligence proved beneficial; the rebels were able to avert British assaults with Allen’s sensitive information.  After the war, Allen never completely recovered from a soldier’s life, often falling asleep as his own bed.

We Three Kings

Myth:  The Biblical Magi, more commonly referred to as the Three Kings or the Three Wise Men, were a trio of priests of the Zoroastrianism strain – a quasi-scientific religion in which stars were perceived as portents.  Since the Bible, and Jesus’s life in particular, is ripe for wild speculation the actual historical accuracy of the actual event and who was involved is muddled.  However, Western Christian tradition holds that the Magi – Melchior, Caspar and Balthasar – came from the Orient, following the glow of the Star of Bethlehem en route to the birthplace of a new king of kings, Jesus Christ.  They bore gifts of frankincense, gold and myrrh as a tribute to an infant king, a king possibly capable of upending the current state of the world.  Speculation aside, it can be well assumed that the event was a special occasion marked by extreme reverence.  The Magi are said to have left Jesus’s birthplace and taken a different route so as to avoid the wrath of King Herod, who was in the process of implementing the mass murder of firstborn sons in order to avert the potential new king from taking his stead.  After that, the Magi are not referred to again in the Bible, but rather shrouded in a greater mystery than the book itself.  Though there is scant evidence, the Magi are still celebrated as an integral part of Christ’s birth through song, nativity scenes, and the like during Christmas and on the Epiphany.

Fact:  Once again, I delve into the controversial world of biblical history, but not in vain.  The Magi were indeed of flesh and blood, and as it was the first Christmas, the bar for gift giving was set very high.  The Magi were running late because Caspar, who was obsessively concerned with his social status, thought it was necessary to stop and pick up a bottle of pinot noir.  They had all agreed beforehand that gifts were out of the question because the newborn Jesus was an infant and had no need for material possessions.  But the purchase of the red wine sparked a debate as to whether they should rethink their original decision: did Jesus deserve at least a mobile for the manger?  Balthasar noted: “Once again, Caspar’s obsession with his status coupled with his anxiety made for last minute fuck-ups.  ‘What if Joseph doesn’t like me?  He’s going to be super protective of his wife guys…she’s a virgin.  I think some wine will buffer that for a while, but there are no good pinots of Nazareth.  Ewwww…a merlot!  Yeah, I’m going to buy a Nazarene merlot.’  And this incessant crap continued until we decided to stop off at a strip bazaar.”  A little peeved, both Balthasar and Melchior opted to stray from Caspar a bit and go into a Yankee Candle store at the other end of the Bazaar.  Caspar made a beeline for the Baby Bjorn Boutique.  Time was running thin, so Balthasar and Melchior each bought a 4 oz. candle – one frankincense and the other myrrh.  “Who doesn’t like a candle,” Melchior stated in earlier musings.  They arrived fashionably late, but just in time to witness the birth of Jesus.  All three Magi went down on bended knee in reverence and presented their gifts.  4 oz. frankincense Yankee Candle.  4 oz. myrrh Yankee Candle.  Yet as Caspar exhibited his gifts, a hush swept over the manger.  In one hand was the moderately, yet still delightful pinot noir and the in the other was a solid gold toy lawnmower complete with golden balls that fly around inside a transparent sphere when pushed.  Mary, later documenting the instance, noticed that both Balthasar and Melchior muttered “dick” simultaneously.  And as we all know, baby Jesus was just as powerful as adult Jesus (it is a universally held truth).  Incensed at the cheap and last-minute thought Balthasar and Melchior had put into their respective gifts, baby Jesus smote them on the spot and they fell dead to the ground.*  Caspar, though relieved his gifts were acceptable, quickly left the Christmas party, citing prior obligations with his stepdaughters as an excuse.  And so, the Magi were to be spoken of no more in the great tome that is the Bible.

*Baby Jesus was in reality extremely bratty and often used the “you’re not my real parents” argument to obtain what he wanted.

Talkin' Turkey

Myth:  Thanksgiving Day in America.  A time-honored celebration of goodwill and plentiful food is historically rooted in the colony town of Plymouth, Massachusetts.  Though there exist several theories – ranging from earlier festivals transpiring in Virginia to the Spanish celebrating a giving of thanks during the 16^th century in Florida – the common conception of pilgrims breaking away from the Church of England, traveling to America in search of religious freedom and their subsequent celebration of a good harvest and peace with the natives still holds sway.  In the year 1620, the Puritan seafarers aboard the famed Mayflower set foot on what would later be American soil.  The following year, these white settlers glorified their higher power and the benevolence of the local Wampanoag tribe, who aided the pilgrims in the teaching of fishing and planting techniques, by holding a proper feast around the fall harvest.  Sporadic attempts to replicate this contested “original” Thanksgiving were common in early 17^th century colonial New England, but it wasn’t until the late 17^th century that the feast became a common occurrence.  To put it simply, Thanksgiving Day owes its prominence to the blending of two cultures – native and colonial – and their similar practices of celebrating a bountiful harvest (European) and the end of the harvest season (native American).  All theories aside, the idea of honoring one’s bounty regardless of ethnic origin or class resonates most loudly during modern day Thanksgiving festivities.

Fact:  The first Thanksgiving did indeed occur at Plymouth in 1621 and it was a splendid occasion, marked most notably by the peaceful agreement between the two cultures on what the fare would be at such a feast.  The local native Americans, or Wampanoag, and the pilgrims seamlessly generated a meal that would satisfy all and offend no one: turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, corn (or maize), cranberries and Sara Lee’s enviable pumpkin pie (Sara Lee was a 50-year-old pilgrim bachelorette who compensated for her homely nature and grand girth by making such delicacies).  The feast was a success for both political and cultural progress between the two factions, though the native Americans did outstay their welcome just a tad as they were passive aggressively kicked out of pilgrim territory at around 10:00 that evening.  Social faux-pas aside, it was agreed that a second Thanksgiving would occur on the same date the following year, but this time the Wampanoag would host the event.  The pilgrims passed the time and lost their Thanksgiving weight of 1621 by partaking in the classic post-holiday exercise of “getting the shit scared out of them during Sunday services by the fire and brimstone pastor and then fleeing.”  The name of the exercise was later shortened to running.  A year passed and weight was lost, and so the second annual Thanksgiving was nigh.  The pilgrims loaded into their carts, or Dutch Sedans as they were called, and set off for the Wampanoag village on Thanksgiving Day.  The air was charged with the excitement for the feast to come.  All sat down on the rustic benches, as the Wampanoag began circulating the day’s fare.  A John Dartmouth Plain described his reaction following the daily prayer: “I lifted my head after giving thanks to my Lord only to find a side of stuffing, my favorite of last year’s morsels mind you, dotted with bits of apricot.  Let me repeat myself.  Apricots.  Are you fucking kidding me!  Oh Lord, forgive my language, but you, the most high, must know that such a transgression with Thanksgiving fare be a blasphemy.”  Mr. Plain was upset indeed, but that was just the beginning.  The governor of the Massachusetts colony was supposed to carve the turkey that macabre evening, but he would only find a plate of lasagna to square off and give to his enraged constituents.  The pilgrims flew into a fury.  The Wampanoag were in shock and could not understand why such animosity filled their village, for they “only wanted to try something different this year.”  Before leaving, the governor looked the Wampanoag chief directly in the eye and said, “A wrath will come upon your people for such insolence.”  Some historians believe that wrath did come, lasted a bit too long, and may have even crossed the line.

Wag the Dog

Myth:  Benjamin Franklin was an Ambassador to France, inventor, postmaster, politician, theorist, satirist, deist, scientist and author, among many other notable professions.  He was a brilliant man who advocated a virtuous lifestyle, and yet lived contrarily at times as a playboy and partaking in all things lascivious.  Father of an illegitimate child and rabid supporter of liberty and equality, Franklin was a complex man with even more complicated views and perspectives.  All this being said, he was a man of the people and was a vital component to the success of the American Revolution and subsequent establishment of a grand new republic.  Respected by most, he died at the old age of 84 in 1790, leaving behind a legacy that would catapult him to the status of legend.  The bald politician, with his famed bespectacled countenance flanked by soft locks flowing from his temples, was a main catalyst during the excitement and transformation that defined 18^th century colonial, revolutionary, and post-revolutionary America.

Fact:  In my previous volume, my readers were shaken and awed by the fact that George Washington was nothing but a piece of lumber.  And now I must, with a sense of duty to the clouded world that is American History, unmask the true nature of yet another Founding Father.  Once more, the sick and twisted mind of John Adams was the puppeteer behind the life of another American icon – Benjamin Franklin.  Originally born under the single name of “Benji” to a mother and seven siblings locked in a steel cage in the living room of the Adams’ household, Benji was destined for greatness as he exhibited extreme intelligence compared to his siblings.  But one may first ask: “What monster would lock a woman and her children in a steel cage?”  I would simply respond, “A man with dogs.”  That’s right, Benjamin Franklin was nothing but a dog.  Look at the one hundred dollar bill the next chance you get, and look closely.  Bald head, wispy hair at the sides and a pair of tiny spectacles – it is a classic case of a cocker spaniel wearing glasses.  Franklin was a purebred American buff cocker spaniel.  Adams often brought Franklin with him to the Continental Congress meetings and sat him on his lap.  Most thought the spaniel to be the distinguished face of an accomplished old man needing the assistance of a fellow friend, but Adam’s does record a close call when cocky John Hancock grilled Adams on the true nature of his trusted “lapdog”: “Hey Adams, I’m on to you, you stout little shit.  Most of these ruffians will kowtow to your suggestions and political maneuvers because of Franklin’s cute face.  No one can turn down the face of a spaniel.  Yeah, he’s not deaf my dear sir, he just simply cannot respond…because he’s just a dog!”  Adams was in a tight space, but what Hancock didn’t know was that Adams was an accomplished ventriloquist, often appearing as headliner at Ye Olde Improv on Saturday nights.  So, out of nowhere, a gruff old voice seemed to emanate from Franklin’s mouth: “How dare you, sir!  Call me a dog, will you.  I am but a poor old man who has more intellect and tenacity than the entirety of this congregation.”  Hancock, stunned, apologized profusely and gingerly patted Franklin on the head before leaving with his tail between his legs.  Adams did most of the speaking on the behalf of Benji, but once Franklin was appointed Ambassador to France Adams had no choice but to stay behind.  Though this seemed like a disaster in the making, Adams knew the French wouldn’t suspect a thing since the French politicians regularly ate voraciously and humped each other’s legs at political dinners.  And in 18^th century France, actions spoke louder than words.  Benji did not disappoint as the spaniel humped his way to high status among the French statesmen, earning him the reputation of playboy that we all know Franklin as today.  Adams had masterfully wagged the dog and diverted attention from the canine inclinations of Benji, utilizing Franklin’s puppyish nature to woo statesmen to do his biddings.

Greek Olives

Myth:  A grossly outnumbered Athenian army defeated a massive Persian force at the Battle of Marathon in 490 B.C.  More interestingly, the modern concept of the marathon  – a grueling 26.2-mile foot race – directly stemmed from the news reaching the Athenians that their men had held the day.  Legend states that Pheidippides, a Greek runner and messenger, ran without stopping from Marathon to Athens to announce that the Athenians were victorious.  The approximately 25-mile run so exhausted Pheidippides that he collapsed and died shortly after proclaiming the good news.  Men such as Pheidippides were a unique species among men.  Greek messengers faced innumerable dangers, including passing through hostile territory, thus they had to exhibit great stamina and strength in order to fulfill their arduous duties.

Fact:  Pheidippides was not the most modest of men; one might even say he was a dick.  At a young age Pheidippides enjoyed the limelight as an esteemed Greek messenger, boasting some of the fastest times between Greek city-states.  But fate soon intervened and the indomitable Pheidippides was diagnosed with Olivepititis, or testicular cancer in modern English (a Greek man’s “olive pits” were of the utmost importance to his manhood).  Though Pheidippides was struck down by such a demoralizing affliction, he recovered over a period of several years, ultimately avowing that he would return to his status as a premier messenger.  His wife and family had suffered with him, but true to his nature, Pheidippides maintained his cocky and affected attitude – some accounts even attest that he surpassed his original narcissism after the cancer subsided.  Despite his boorish behavior, the masses still lauded the return of their champion messenger.  Pheidippides realized that his admirers could be exploited – severely so.  As pita bread was such a highly prized fixture of Athenian culture, Pheidippides decided to capitalize on his new identity by taking strips of Athenian gold (pita bread) and soaking it in saffron.  The result: a yellow band of wheat that could be tied around one’s wrist – homage to the returned “hero.”  Pheidippides made a fortune off this scheme.  He became so self-involved that he even divorced his loving wife who had supported him during his illness for a woman more akin to the goddess Hera (Fun Fact: Hera was actually a popular stripper name at the time, much like Misty is today).  Not long after he started courting the famous wooden piper, Sherylonos Cronus, he parted with her as well.  After his triumphant run from Marathon to Athens, Pheidippides’ luck ran out.  Though legend states that he died on that day, his death was merely metaphorical – the death of his integrity.  Other messengers began coming forward, informing the public that Pheidippides had been, ever since his first message, eating the hoof of a lamb.  And if you are versed in the classics, you are well aware that “lamb hoofing” was condemned as a performance-enhancing activity by the Athenian Sprinting Symposium, or ASS.  Pheidippides still owned the rights to the pita bands, but his reputation had been sullied.  He was nothing more than a dick above a single olive pit.

LOST

Myth:  On July 4^th, 1584, English explorers reached the shores of Roanoke Island with intended plan of constructing a permanent settlement in present-day Dare County, North Carolina.  Chartered by Queen Elizabeth I and expedited by Sir Walter Raleigh, the first set of seafarers met the exotic native tribes – the Secotans and Croatans – inhabiting the area, taking two Croatans back to England in order to better establish knowledge of and relations with the area.  The first settlement was anything but fruitful.  Colonists were unaware of their surroundings, oblivious to the necessary agricultural techniques that flourished in such a milieu, and even managed to pick a fight (resulting in the burning of a nearby indigenous village) with the local natives over a supposed stolen silver cup.  The colony was perpetually in need of supplies, still Raleigh financed yet another expedition in 1587, this time led by one John White, to bolster the already dwindling English population with another 150 colonists.  White, newly appointed governor of Virginia, was asked by his fellow colonists to return to England in order to explain the dire situation regarding tensions with natives and lack of supplies.  White left in late 1587 promising to return the next year, but because of setbacks caused by the demoralizing Anglo-Spanish War, White was unable to return until August of 1590 – an interminable three years later.  After landing White and his crew found the colony deserted, only coming across the inscription of the word Croatan carved into the side of the garrison.  Many theories abound as to the disappearance of the 115 colonists that remained when White originally left, ranging from slaughter by natives to starvation to drowning at sea.  It has been aptly deemed the “Lost Colony” ever since.

Fact:  This is an instance when history enters the dangerous realm of speculation – that is to say for most incompetent historians.  Recently discovered documents from Southern England, most likely an early form of newspaper, notes the return of six survivors from the ship Oceana (a DC-747 tall ship) in 1593.  The Oceana was still under the command of one John White.  Not much was written regarding the miraculous return of the six from the Lost Colony for one particular reason: the John White who helmed the original voyage in 1587 had passed away in 1891 (it must be emphasized that 80% of the English population in 1593 was named John White).  From 1400 to 1910, the John White Phenomenon generated massive confusion amid England’s historical events.  Simply put, no one seemed to care because thousands of others flocking to England had a connection with one John White or another.  But here’s where the pieces come together: there were two notable persons among the six survivors – a Dr. Matthew Foxxe (there were only two doctors present in England in 1893, as one had to not kill a patient in order to be considered a doctor) and a Mr. Hurley Sideburn (the famed 1584 winner of the Win a Lifetime Supply of Haggis Sweepstakes).  When researching the historical record all seems good and well until I came to the year 1895, as both of the survivors seemed to vanish into thin air, once again.  No death notices were present; no more haggis was being delivered to Mr. Sideburn’s countryside chateau; and surgical patients’ mortality rate was back to 100%.  Since the Roanoke colony was still a sore subject for those privy to the prior expeditions, not much of a fuss was made over Mr. Sideburn and Dr. Foxxe’s return trip to the island.  That’s right, a one-way boarding pass still exists with the names of our two phantoms regarding a trip aboard the Oceana to Roanoke Island (this time under the command of John White’s grandson, John White).  Why return to the place that almost took your life, the island that took the lives of 144 of your fellow countrymen?  This is where my authority as a historian runs dry and I dare not enter the perilous world of speculation.  But it must be stated that upon leaving Dr. Foxxe left behind a diary, which reported the following: “I am unclear as to my motives, but I do believe it is in the best interest of all.  Even if the great Croatan Smoke Monster rears its ugly head once more, or if the chief who doth not age and wears too much mascara attempts to kill our kind, we shall persevere.”

*I have only seen two episodes of this supposed great show entitled "Lost," but someone at ABC must have his/her PhD in Colonial American Studies.  I am not a fan.