History Bros, the periodical of note, would like to endorse
the Whig Party and Henry Clay for our nation’s upcoming midterms. Compromise is
needed more than ever at this moment of crisis, of political divide, of apathy,
and of mobocracy! Tyranny has infiltrated this grand nation and I will not sit
idly by while “The King” sweeps up those poor souls who believe his demagogic
rhetoric while only serving himself. My grandfather didn’t fight the British
loyalists and their stiff cronies to see this great nation unravel to ratty
threads!
I, of course, am speaking of King Andrew Jackson. Old
Hickory? More like Old Trickery! That devilish trickster hick has soiled this
American democracy, along with the dirty Irish, as we can all agree.
What do we support? Modernization, banking and economic
protectionism. We need to protect the minority interests and the burgeoning
middle class! Many claims have been leveled against us that we rub shoulders
with the fiscal elite – untrue, untrue, sirs! We rub elbows with all people –
except the potato-eating Irish! We are willing to roll up are sleeves and get
dirty with our hard-working merchant brethren.
Manifest Destiny? What a sham! We have plenty of land for
all our peoples, and we will only instigate unnecessary wars if we encroach
further upon the continent. Lyin’ Tricky Hickory has removed our Indian
brethren to Okie-homie when all they wanted was a little tract of land for
their dance parties. We understand them; we roll up our sleeves with them! The
IRISH! Why are they here? Damnit!
I digress. I’m angry. And I am ready to greatly compromise
with my foes this coming midterm because we are living in a tumultuous and
revolutionary time that will likely never repeat itself again. Go to the polls
my property-owning brothers and cast a vote against Crooked Hickory, that
mud-farmer who will roll up HIS sleeves with the sleeveless Irish!
Don the Blue and Buff of the Whig Party and get out the
vote! Stand like a rock, but like a compromising rock – so, like, a pebble. A
tiny rock unwilling but willing to compromise! Does this make sense? Ok. Rock
the vote!
Who are we!? Whig Party! Who are we!? The Blue and Buff! Is
buff a color!? Yes!?
Ok! Compromise, defeat tyranny, but support some elitist
views, slavery --- mmm, we’re not going to talk about that now, but we will get
to it!
I have a feeling this new and dynamic party will live for
millennia! Whig Whig Whig Whig! Party! Whig out!
