What in Sam Hill?

Today’s episode is brought to you by Texas A&M University. Texas A&M, at the forefront of the cutting-edge industries of agriculture and mining, is one of the leading educators and proponents of crop rotation. Do you look like fracking and football? Fuck yeah, you do! Come on down to Texas A&M and join the festivities at the annual Frack Fest. Kids admitted for free! Bob for oil, get your face painted with oil and take an ol’ timey photo in oil!

Speaking of Texas, our guest today is one of history’s preeminent Texans: Sam Houston. Leader of the early Texas Republic and later governor of the state, Sam Houston stunned fans with his pro-Unionist views and repudiation of the Confederacy at the outset of the American Civil War. What a maverick!

HB: Sam, first off, nice bow tie. What is that, two feet in width?

SH: Goddamn right!

HB:  High five!

Both: Crop rotation!

HB: Sam, what are you doing these days? Political career is dead because of your Unionist treachery.

SH: I like to think I came out on top…

HB: Whoa ho! High five!

Both: Crop rotation!

SH: Nah, I’m still in Texas, surprisingly. Just opened an eco-friendly, locally sourced brisket joint called What in Sam Hill?

HB: How are the tips?

SH: Mind blowing.

HB: And I gotta ask, are you living in…Houston?

SH: No, fuck that place. I was pro-Unionist, I’m an f’ing  honorary Cherokee, so I’m not really welcome in most of Texas.

HB: So you live in…

SH: Austin! The only place I can call home now, is Austin. That’s where I set up What in Sam Hill?, I played SXSW with my Duran Duran cover band last year and I’m keeping Austin weird.

HB: Let’s keep it weird with, one, two, three…

Both: Crop rotation!

Martin Van Baller

Special History Bros episode, featuring my longtime pal, past guest and frat brother, Martin Van Buren! The Little Magician. The Dutch Oven. Count Von Puss. We met at Open Dike night in Amsterdam during his year abroad, while I was still a pledge at Sigma Rho Stroopie.

This episode is brought to you by Van Buren Wooden Shoes: more comfortable than your run-of-the-mill wooden shoe, but still not comfortable. Handcrafted by Martin’s insanely high mother, Diejter Van Buren, these shoes come in avant-garde shapes that may or may not fit. No returns.

HB: Little Dutch Boy, how are you?

MVB: I’m good! After the presidency I’ve been taking it easy, shootin’ some hoops in upstate New York and helping mother with her shoe company.

HB: Yeah, she gave me decagonal shoes in what I can best describe as a women’s size 3.

MVB: We’ll trade ‘em in. We’re working on her policy of no returns.

HB: I love the way they look, I just can’t wear them. And you! That’s all you wore when we played basketball.

MVB: That’s what I was used to. Remember when I dunked over Big Ben Rasnowitz during intramural finals!?

HB: Most people don’t know this, but you could ball. You lost a shoe and still threw down over Big Ben Rasnowtiz. And you’re what, five foot…one?

MVB: Yeah, 5’1”. I think it’s my competitive Dutch spirit. I go for it – I go for the slams.

HB: You didn’t make your junior high speed skating team because you were too short, right?

MVB: Didn’t make it. Heart broken…heart broken, because it’s the Dutch national sport. So, I took my Van Buren clogs and started shooting some hoops with some of the outcast Dutch bad boys of the New York Dutch community.

HB: You’re such a baller. Hey, how’s Rick “The Brick” DeFrenzio doing? I haven’t seen him since undergrad?

MVB: Oh my god, you didn’t hear? He was murdered by the Prussians in the territories.

HB: I never heard about it!

MVB: It was a small service, small service. Fight broke out against some of the Prussians in attendance.

HB: Damn! Well, you were closer to him. I get it.

HB: Alright, for old time’s sake I’ve installed a hoop out in the driveway. You think you can dunk on a standard ten-foot hoop?

MVB: Put me on the fucking spot.  Ok, ok.

HB: He’s slippin’ on the clogs. Running. Oh jesus, he’s taking off from behind the free throw line!

MVB: Waffles!!!!

HB: Oh jesus, he hit his head on the backboard. He’s bleeding. Marty, let’s get you inside.