Virgil is a Dick

This episode of History Bros is sponsored by collegeboard.org: collegeboard.org, making teachers teach to the AP Test since whenever. Students pay $93 per exam, the school pays $84 per exam, and so everyone’s fucked.  Collegeboard.org: the poor man’s ETS.  History Bros is also sponsored by Magnum condoms: Magnum condoms, it won’t fit. Stop it. Magnum Condoms!

We have a very special guest today, folks. But before I introduce him, I’d like him to try on one of these free Magnum condoms we received. Magnum condoms: just like bulk order t-shirts, you can’t trade down to the small, you’re stuck with a large!

HB: Try it on, you dunce.

V: I don’t understand.

HB: What are you compensating for?!

V: Huh?

HB: I’m sorry folks, I haven’t introduced you to my dear friend, Virgil. Ancient Roman poet, best known for his “epic,” The Aeneid.

V: Among other things, yes. I still don’t understand…

HB: Sure you do, you son of bitch. AP Latin . Senior year of high school. The entire year was spent translating that ripoff of Homer.

V: Mmm? I certainly modeled it after Homer’s epics, but I introduced new ideas of tragedy and poetry to the…

HB: Shut up. What was the verse written in again, pterodactyl sexymeter?

V: Dactylic Hexameter.

HB: No one likes you.

V: What?

HB: Everyone got a 1 on the AP exam! I drew Ziggy cartoons in my test booklet.  That. Actually. Happened.

V: Ziggy’s a good and, I might add, very witty friend of mine.

HB: Try it on!? For who do you work for!? Collegeboards.org!?

V: For whom.

HB: Take off your bed sheet, you hack!

(Pause)

HB: Oh my god, it’s huge.

V: Man is defined by the mind, son. You seem to be living in the past, and no one ever…

HB: Take the box of Magnums and get the hell out of my studio.

V: As you wish. (Takes a sip of Mountain Dew Red Zone). Red Zone gives you wings!

HB: And Virgil just flew out of the studio. He has a massive penis and can fly.

That's So Gav

Welcome back to another episode of History Bros after a brief period of grieving following the assassination of our last guest, James Garfield. He was assassinated on a Monday. He must hate Mondays. Anyway, enough of death, let’s breathe new life into this room with our next guest, a strapping young Balkan named Gavrilo Princip. 23-year-old assassinator of Archduke Franz Ferdinand of the Austro-Hungarian Empire and catalyst for World War I…  Fuck. Kevin! Kevin! More death?! And Kevin has given his 2-week notice as History Bros intern. New position open! Goddamnit! I dunno, maybe we can squeeze some fun out of this.

HB: Gavrilo…

GP: I go by Gav.

HB: This is already a bad start.  Ok, Gav, did this assassination take place on a Monday by chance?  This is the only thing that will cheer me up.

GP: Sunday.

HB: You suck.

GP: Do you have any vegan options – I can’t do this egg salad sandwich Kev gave me.

HB: Kev is gone now, so no.  Eat it.  You’re so ridiculously skinny.

GP: The Black Hand doesn’t oppress animals, only the oppressors, the Archduke Franz Ferdinand and his uncle’s regime of brutality.

HB: It’s apparently fairly multicultural, so I don’t know what you’re complaining about. Also, I don’t really mind Franz Ferdinand.

GP: I dunno, his early stuff was OK, but then he sold out and it just became corporatized. Less raw, ya know?

HB: No, I don’t. Gavrilo...

GP: Gav

HB: Nope, Gavrilo. Gavrilo, I’m not buying this whole Black Hand thing.

GP: Whatever, you wouldn’t understand anyway.

HB: Did you and your friends ride bikes to the assassination?

GP: No brakes, no gears!

HB: You suck at killing people.  Your equally skinny Black Hand bro Nedeljko…

GP: Ned.

HB: Shut up! He shittily threw his grenade at the Archduke, probably because he had absolutely no protein in his diet, and then tried to kill himself with a dud cyanide capsule and jumping into a river that was four inches deep. Cops got him right away.

GP: He was a poser.

HB: Gavrilo, I don’t like you, but I can tell you this, you need some protein because you will die of tuberculosis before you’re even hanged. I’m actually trying to help you and your little mustache out on this one.

GP: I’m fine with this pint of triple-filtered watermelon water and handful of lima bean husks

HB: Egg sandwich! Now!

GP: No!

HB: Eat it! Next time, ladies and gents!  Eat it!  Kevin, you’re rehired if you open this little shit’s mouth!